Sincerely, Bobbi D.

What part of the Game is this?!?!?!!

2009-04-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

Mary Jane (All Night Long) - Mary J. BligeI know i havent blogged in a minute, love to everyone that still checks for me though. Graduating is a TRIP!! But anyway, I swear I have the worst time attracting guys that are nice and can read and smell good. peep this convo that attacked my beautiful saturday afternoon as i listened to my booluvin mix (alone,:-( ) and wrote my last history paper as an undergraduate student...

Set up: dude sends me a message commenting on this pic: by saying, "what's good with that pic" and i catch him on facebook chat later (on a paper break) and try to see what that meant. It starts off with me correcting his spelling in his status...

Bobbi:

wear

whole

Oliver:

?
Bobbi:

you're gonna WEAR your cap and gown for a WHOLE week

:):)

(as opposed to "where" and "hole"...I know, i know...)

what was that message about?

Oliver:

graduation

Bobbi:

the message you sent me

not your srarus

status

about a pic...

(then my cpu tries to warn me to end this convo and shuts down firefox, but do i listen? Nooooooo...)

Bobbi:

my internet went down 4 a minute

you dont like my pic?

Oliver;

nope

Bobbi:

that what you're sayin?

Oliver:

yep

Bobbi:

lol

Oliver:

i saw you some where iu was looking fine

Bobbi:

i'm sure i'll regret this, but why is that?

Oliver:

and you where g string s some time so sexy

Bobbi:

ummm ok...

what's wrong with the pic?

i like it...

Oliver:

no its not

some people are not photo gentic and just tnk its a bad pic

you are finer then that and your picture should show is also

Bobbi:

so i'm not photogenic?

Oliver:

i did say that, now im looking at u took the picture didnt you

Bobbi:

yes...

Oliver:

thats why

thats why its a bad picture to me

Bobbi:

because i took it?

Oliver:

yes

Bobbi:

??

so i suck at taking pics or something?

Oliver:

im jsut an art student i believe i know what looks good

Bobbi:

ok

so because i took a pic of myself and u, an all-knowing art student didnt take it for me, it's a bad pic?

Oliver:

Me Bunskaroo!! Aaarrrggghhh is a cute picture of you

(That's this pic...)

Bobbi:

am i right so far?

that's my twin

Oliver:

lol u stupid

Bobbi:

??

that's really my tein

Oliver:

well im just looking at u

Bobbi:

twin

Oliver:

really where is she

you was the one that took everything from her

Bobbi:

??

what does that mean?

ans "me bunskaroo..." is the name of the album, so which pic are you talking about?

and*

Oliver:

my bad hold on

8 of 8

That's this pic...

Bobbi:

so that pic is ok

but the one i took and added as my profile isnt?

cuz i'm not photogenic

stop me when i'm wrong...

Oliver:

not in that picture

8 of 8 you hot

Bobbi:

but isnt being photogenic a whole state of being

that doesnt turn off and on?

Oliver:

we ever you want to have sit down and talk ill be more then happy to have a date

Bobbi:

lo

l

a date?

don't you have a girl?

i dont need any more shade from the swings...

(that is, Swing Phi Swing, social fellowship, Inc...a very respectable, non greek org, with some crappy chicks in it that have thrown incredible amounts of shade at yours truly in the past...)

Oliver:

lol

at date with 2 adult and the student center is a date

Bobbi:

very true

but would your girl approve is the question...

Bobbi:

i prolly wouldnt but that "innocent date, consulting adults" shit if i were her...

buy
*

Oliver:

if you think you might give me some pussy then it a problem

Bobbi:

consenting*

ha!!!!

you have NOTHING to worry about then...

Oliver:

na that the only reason

what you saying im not your type

Bobbi:

i'm saying you wouldn't have to worry about a "date" with me if that['s your only concern

and likewise with your girl

Oliver:

WHAT? hold on

Bobbi:

neither she, nor you would have anything to worry about with you on a "date" with me if me wanting to give you some p***y was ya'll only concern...

Oliver:

you confussing me. so you wouldnt give no pussy if i did have a girl

Bobbi:

*sighs*

i'm saying

Oliver

where is your sisiter

Bobbi:

you dont have to worry about my intentions on a "date" with you

and she doesnt either

it's your intention that she should be concerned about

working

my sister's working

Bobbi:

so through this convo we've concluded: that i'm not photogenic, you wanna take me on a date to the student center to discuss that fact, you may or may not be dating a swing, and she may or may not care about you going on a date with me

right?

and you discovered i had a twin

which i'm sure is exciting

it is for me too

:):)

Oliver:

wow u confuss

u scaring me

Bobbi:

lol

nevermind

imma go back to writing this paper though...

you'll see me at some point, i'm sure....

Oliver:

all im saing is taht one hay are you going to student center ok im going that way can i join you. yes my girl is a swing i said you u took a bad picture. may be you wasnt photogenic at first but after i found out that you tok the picture thenit mad since why the oic was bad

Bobbi:

Oooooooh!!!

ok

i get it now

thanx for clesring it up for me

clearing

all these finals

clouding my head right?

imm holla atchu though

peace.

Oliver:

jesus

WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?!?!?!

25-30 random things and Whatnot...

2009-02-03T07:10:00.001-08:00

I tried really hard not to do this, but some of my friends are convinced that my random things will be entertaining. If you say so...

1. I can be really candid about things sometimes, without realizing that I'm acting oe speaking out of the ordinary. you'll see...

2. I definitely have a mild case of OCD. I don't like odd numbers, except for multiples of 5. lol.

3. I HATE the bottom of people's feet. Not feet so much, although they make me a little uncomfortable, but the bottom of people's shoes, socks, and bare feet when they've been walking around with nekked feet.

4. I don't think that really thin girls are all that attractive, and i don't think that boys should either. lol. I just don't understand what a straight man would want with a woman with no "womanly attributes" lol. You need something soft and warm...you need mounds in the right places to hold on to...right?

5. I lost my father when I was 11 to complications due to AIDS.

6. I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers...yeah, mommy put in work. Ewww...

7. I really wish i was still cheering. I hate that I can't tumble, and that at my age it would be really hard to relearn it.

8.I have nekked pics of myself on my phone and I study them every once in a while. not on some perverted stuff...just to see what i wanna work on or what could be better.

9. My T Pi sisters are gonna love this one...i'm embracing the B.E.A.T. me. The more girly, smellin good, beat face, hair and nails, fitted clothing me. I was a tomboy and then just apathetic about my appearance because I was afraid of trying to look good and failing. so i just didnt try. And then I realized, I always look good. with my natural hair and my full figure, and my dark skin and everything else that other people are afraid of, so it didnt matter what i did to myself. so now I just gotta master this heels siteeation. getting better too...

10. I hate that this is taking so long to do. I can be a little impatient sometimes.

11. I have a weird, unnatural attraction to KKPsi niggaz. Certainly not all of them, but a good amount of them...and imma just leave this one alone now. :)

12. I'm sure imma get guff about that last one...

13. I wanna fight men that don't hold the door for me. no seriously, like UFC fight thwm. I am very clearly a woman, and unless for some good reason you can't (i.e. no hands) then you should.

14. I'm not gonna be able to hear in a few years, cuz i listen to my music EXTREMELY LOUD. And i get annoyed when it bothers people.

15. I'm afraid of getting old. I wanna age very gracefully and still hang out with my friends and stuff when I'm older.

16. I don't like when people use the word Ghetto to describe people. It bothers me than people would summarize the negative way a person acts with the "name" of a place where lots of DIFFERENT people come from.

17. Ella Fitzgerald is my life.

18. I hate the disney channel, and everything on it except the proud family. And i only watch Nick for the fairly odd parents, sponge bob, the backyardigans, and some of nick at nite. I remember when those channels were the shit and it pisses me off to see them now.

19.I could really have a 4.0, cuz i've rarely been in a class that i found challenging at Morgan, but I'm a procrastinating, class skipping bastard, so i dont. lol. Magna Cum Laude in grad school though!!!

20. I love boo luvin, and I dont understand why dudes dont understand the value of some quality boo luvin. I dont need you to marry me my nigga, juse be a cuddle buddy. just let me lay on your chest while you gently half rub, half scratch my lower back when I'm reading my book. Too much to ask? Oh, ok, my bad.

21. I'm afraid of white penises. lol.

22. I hate pants. And every chance I get I take 'em off!! i'm sure half the people reading this have seen my ass at least once, and with the close people to me, I simply don't wear em.

23. I sleep VERY lightly. and it sux.

24. I fear being a boring person (and this list is not helping prove that wrong).

25. I have an affliction for beautifully dark chocolate, even toned niggaz. ugh, it's my kryptonite!!

26. I spend way too much time on facebook.

27. I love hip hop. almost as much as i like vocal music. I respect emcees so much, even the shitty ones. And I secretly wish that I could rap, so I could be in the Union ans we could be like the Fugees. and Ron would be Pras. lol!!

28. I wish kris and courteney were more confident with their voices, cuz i think they're sick, and if i sounded like then, you wouldnt be able to shut me up.

29. I'm glad Obama's president...but I'm over it. no idealizing or pseudo worship for me. His being president means as much to me as the next guy, but I'm not obsessed. Now Michelle, that's a different story!! That's a bad girl!!

30. I'm starting to think (in my recent experiences and conversations) that Detroit niggaz may have a lot to offer. lol!! Actually, I'm just anxious to meet guys outside of Morgan, and Baltimore...

That's it. I'm not doing anymore. This is annoying, and it's making me think too hard. Comment!!

peace.

I thought it was over, but here you come BACKAGAIN...

2009-02-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

Backagain - Musiq Soulchild
"Yes...Oh...I really thought it was over baby
But uh, I guess not, oh
Yeah, but it´s cool, it´s all love uhh, ey, but

[Verse 1]
How can I, even think, after you, made a scene
You and me, could again like nothing happened
Oh and it´s kinda hard, to forget
what you said when you left out that
door, said you don´t
Love me no more

[Pre-Chorus]
And now you wanna (sit and talk) but
you don´t really (wanna talk), you
just wanna see if you
Can get things back the way they used to
You wanted change so you just (walked out)
But your new love didn´t (work out)
So, now you think you can just come back when you want

[Chorus]
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back

[Verse 2]
I thought that I had it all figured out
Had it all planned, I thought there
was gonna be a happy ending
But you chose, to let go, don´t you
know, once you leave, there ain´t no
baby please can we
Just go somewhere to be alone

[Pre-Chorus]
(and talk) but I don´t really (wanna talk)
Cause you just wanna see if you can get
things back the way they used to
You wanted change so you just (walked out)
But your new love didn´t (work out)
So, now you think you can just come back when you want

[Chorus]
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back yeah
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back

[Bridge]
it´s nice to know that, you been
thinking bout the love we once had
but getting over you was
Hard cause I thought there was
nothing left for us now you say you
having second thoughts

[Chorus]
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back
I thought it was over
But here you come back again
Welcome back, Welcome back, Welcome back..."

More on this later, but just know I'm gigglin' my mutha f**kin' ass off...

Peace.

I'm a biter...so sue me!!...Fuck am I gon' blog about??

2009-01-27T14:33:00.000-08:00

I feel like bloggin' just for the one person who cares at all what i'm doing, and all the rest of you haters and lurkers. Yeah, I know you haters click the link from my facebook page just to hate...doing away with you soon enough...

1. I'm not a piece of meat!! I'm not just huge boobs, full lips and a tight vagina walking around!! I have thoughts, and opinions...and jokes!! Yeah I have a great sense of humor, but you wack niggaz wouldn't know, cuz you're too busy tryna "trick me" into having sex with you. No you can't have naked pics of me, no i don't wanna come over for a late night movie, and yes, i can see that you're "in a relationship with ___" on your page, while you're attempting to make yourself comfortable in my bed!! I am not a jumpoff. Go get a white girl, or one of these wack ass "sistas" for that shit. Go get a Zane novel reader for that shit. And when you wanna challenge my intellect, as well as be challenged, look me up then.

2. My codeword is Bananas...because it remind me of "BANANA CREAM PIE!!" from the Katt Wiliams joint. That one was for you Knowledge. lmao!!

3. I'm gettin' nice with these here makeup brushes...

4. Oh yeah, new digital camera and mickey-fickey IPOD nano!! Both sexy as hell.

5. The niggaz I bang with sing their asses off, like my nig Patrick, smashin' on ARETHA FRANKLIN in this clip, like he don't have good sense:

T Pi-T Rho LOVE...Tiiiii Pi!!!!
And the person that did this video credited Georgetown for this soloist, but he was only there because Georgetown's Tenor and Bass sections needed to be supplemented. That's Morgan holdin' it DID-down 'long side the Queen of Soul. The Organist in the white is my nigga Greg...from Morgan as well.

6. I'm gonna learn how to drive stick, so when I get to the place where I can buy a car, I can buy a good one for cheap!! lol...gotta be resourceful, another thing I got going for myself besides my sex fellas.

7. I'M GRADUATING!!! AAAGH!! When I said I was gonna try and graduate a few months back, it was a far shot, but i was gonna try. and now it's right in my hands!!!! Let's just pray I can keep my grip until May 16th. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!

8. I finished a song I started a while ago called "I'm Yours" and I'm happy about the end result. I also wrote a hook to one of the Greg's beats called "feel good music". Here's the hook...can't hear it yet, and I'm working on that too, but knowledge and Da Vinci say it's hot, so I'm happy.

When i just wanna fly away/
When I cant take crying one more day/
I take a breath/
I dry my eyes/
and then put on some feel good music/
(I'm talkin)
Chaka, Mr. Hathaway,/
toni Braxton or some Mary J./
cuz all my troubles/
disappear when/
i throw on that feel good music.../

K, I'm done for now, but I'll post again soon.

Why I use the N-word...

2009-01-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

This was one of the responses (from Facebook) that I got to the last post from my Homie Joel. It pretty much completely sums up why i still use the word, a point that i've surprisingly had extreme difficulty articulating until now...

He totally butchers my name btw.

"i wrote this as a response to my homegirl Mary D's note regarding her concern over the use of the word "Nigga" in the society of white folk we affectionately refer to as "Wiggas" and i guess it turned into a rant ..one i wanted to share witchu all

Yo in the year 2009 when white folk pass out cd's with "Barack the magic negro" on the track list an buy more rap (legally or illegally) than black ppl per capita, one has to wonder at the blurring of once clearly defined social lines. I aint hatin (too bad) on white folks. I got a gang of white friends...I mean muhfukkas I would bail outa jail, but what I’m wondering is this... can black folk have anything if themselves to themselves. We lived in Africa where we had our whole beings...then the white man came and said "look at that strong back, look at those strong arms ...look at those child bearing hips and ass an titties on the females" and envying us our bodies they took us by force to be worked and bred and bought and sold like dogs (see my upcoming post: African Americans the world’s first foray into human eugenics) and we lost the ownership of our bodies.

Now we are by and large, spiritually, a strong people...and so though our bodies were so much chattel we held on to our culture, namely our music beautiful and percussive and uplifting and joyous, and though our bodies were not our own our spirits danced and sang and our voices mingled on the winds and though we were miserable we were still able to take joy. then the white man heard and he said " listen to those rhythms, listen to those drums, I’ve never heard something so joyous and sacred and chaste and blasphemous and sensual all at the same time" and envying us our culture (our music) they took it and made it their own...twisting and perverting and editing and transposing till there was little left to mark its joyous beginning and thus we lost the ownership of our culture

eventually we were freed (in a stunning display of strategy and clearly logically defined tactics...mainly the astute observation that southern blacks outnumbered southern whites in some places 200 to one and would make fine shock troops if roused-----Lincoln owned slaves and was at least a 25-50% black himself and yet before the war was a major concern did nothing for black folk ...shit he kept his own grandmother as a slave on one of his wife’s plantations, never get it twisted that there was any type of benevolence in the emancipation proclamation it was a measure used purely for selfish tactical gain with no overreaching social goals or purpose)...anyways eventually we were freed and after struggling to attain equality in a country where the principal tenant of governance is "that all men are created equal" our spirit was at its strongest. Civil rights leaders like MLK and Malcolm X represented the collective souls and ambitions of our people......our now half owned people (b/c the white man still owns our bodies and culture...if you don’t believe me turn on some Justin Timberlake and take a look at your credit score which keeps yo sorry black body working in intangible chains of debt). But even with only 50% ownership of our selves we had our spirit and we were happy. And the white man (this time one named J. Edgar Hoover) came and he saw our spirit and he said "look at the strength and joy and determination in these downtrodden wretches, I must own that joy that spirit and crush it" and in two fell swoops our spiritual leaders were murdered. And thus we lost the ownership of our spirits

and nowadays 3/4 owned and left with nothing but indominitable fury and a lust for the power to take revenge for our former lost glory we are again being appraised by the white man. He says "look at that anger that bright and beautiful anger, glorious and terrible to behold...I must own that anger" and so they allow a black man to run and win an election for the "highest office in the land" to placate our anger (even though anyone with eyes can see that the current regime is in some cases deliberately tryna sabotage brother Barack's first year in office......two count em two separate economic crises and a war....eh hem so sorry I forgot....another war in the middle east to list two of the nefarious plotsh) . And they move in the shadows of our community tryna get us to give up the one thing that will keep our anger...our vengeance smoldering and assure our victory....our memory...
oh racism is a thing of the past....were making so much progress look at Barack....nigga is such a hateful term why use it...or if you use it why attach any meaning to it....to all that I say FUCK THAT....HELL NAW WHITEFOLK CANT SAY NIGGA (ANYMORE THAN I CAN WALK INTO AN IRISH NEIGHBORHOOD IN BMORE YELLIN "MICK MUTHAFUKKA!!!!!!" AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS....).HELL YEAH YOU SHOULDA SAID SUMTHING AND YES I HOPE THAT MUHFUKKA DIE...AND I HOPE HE BURN IN HELL!!!!!!! HELL YES I WILL CONTINUE TO USE THE WORD NIGGA BECAUSE IT DEFINES AND FUELS MY ANGER AND IT SHAPES THAT MALICE INTO A RIGHTEOUS SWORD AND I WILL NEVA LOSE OR FORGET THE MEMORY OF MY ANCESTORS AND WHAT RETRIBUTION I OWE THEM!!!!"

Wiggers...are "niggas" now?

2009-01-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

So i was on my Myspace and i peeped that an old friend from high school is due in February (with a baby people. lol). Turns out she already has a three year old and is on baby #2.. Yeah I suck at keeping in touch.

Anyway, I was searching through her pics and her friends pics to catch a glimpse of the prego-belly (i like looking at them...when they're cute. it's weird I know).

I went to her Fiancee's brother's page to look at pics, and his headline read:

"shawty said da nigga dat she wit aint dis" (copied and pasted).

So I was like, "Ok, imma not be Bobbi D. and educate the HELL out of his ass, cuz that's a song..."

Lame excuse, I know.

So I continued down a couple inches to his place of residence (ya'll know the layout, right?), and saw this:

"Male
20 years old
4 seasons nigga hold it down , Delaware
United States"

Ugh. I really had just woken up. What a good morning, right?

Now i feel Bobbi (my own Sasha Fierce, except fiercer. Hard to believe I know, but it's true because Sasha gives you model walk, Bobbi gives you knowledge. Get it together people...) creeping up in my spirit like I'm Bruce Banner...

So I again try to just relax and ignore it. Go to dude's pics, and there's a few disturbing ones. Aside from the "One Blood Mafia" gifs (exciting, right?) There's a pic of a huge fold of money and the caption read:

"nigga get dat money..."

Now I'm angry. But in an attempt to be like the old me (another post about that soon), I opted to send him a message.

I was a little hesitant, cuz i don't really know him, and he really could be a gangsta. He might not be "a freak, a fag, or a failure..." lol. (Friday After Next). But then I though...

"Mary, this kid's from Chesapeake City, MD. He went to Bohemia Manor High School, named after a plantation, graduated, and moved to DELAWARE. he chills with a bunch of Anglo "thugs", and some of the wackest, un-black, K swiss wearin', gel ponytailin', menthol light smokin', 99 bananas drinkin', Ja Rule fan-ass black people you've ever known. New Ja Rule, not "Holla Holla, Can I get A..." Ja Rule. And yes right now, you're gonna measure someone's blackness. Get yourself together and do what's right."

Yeah, I talk to myself, and i thinks its healthy. Quit judgin'...

So I sent him a message THAT READ... (just cuz i know you're enjoying reading that so much):

"I dont know that you know me (even though we did go to the same high school and banged with the same people...)

This may seem really pressed, and i realize that, but i feel like I wouldn't be real if i didnt say anything...

I was on you're page from shannon's and i noticed your cavalier usage of the word "nigga"...

I guess it makes me a little uncomfortable. I don't know what kinda life you lead, but i think i have a good idea (from your page), So i understand that you're in company that dismisses your use of that word.

I just want to encourage you to be mindful of that usage though when you're out and whatever, because not everyone you meet is gonna be ok with the fact that YOU use that word. Try to understand that because of the history of the word, it could be hurtful or infuriating even.

Don't get me wrong, I use that shit everyday, but i don't do it in "mixed company" and i don't use it in front of people I don't know, cuz you never know who you're offending...

You may not even care that you may offend anybody, and i guess that's fine too, but like i said, i felt obligated to say something. Take this how you want to, but it's really all Love.

Be Easy.

btw, tell Shannon i said xoxo and Congrats please..."

I know this is getting lengthy, so imma try and keep it short. Just tell me what you think of this situation, how i handled it, or whether you think I shoulda done anything at all. we can rap about it in another post.

Peace.

Oh yeah, btw, dude's WHITE, in case you didn't realize it...
Here's a link to the PUBLIC debacle he calls his page:

"What is it you think you see..."

2008-12-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

Just wanna start by saying that Mary Mary's new CD is FIRE. Ir's called The Sound, and if you don't know about it yet, please stop being a complete loser and getchur weight up. My two favorite tracks are "Superfriend" featuring David Banner (I know right?!?), and he kills his verse by the way, and "God In Me", featuring Kierra Sheard. The production on this album is ridic, and their vocal delivery is really pure and strong. Easy to sing along to for all of the singing-impaired out there, but enough runs and stuff for you vocal gymnasts. It's a Gospel Album yes, but it doesn't sound like it at all, and the "worldly appeal" is not overdone like a bad urban Mcdonalds jingle. So Hot...

Now for the point of this post. Track 5 is called "God In Me" like I mentioned before and it's basically about people looking at you and your life from the outside and assuming they know you. More specifically, it talks about a chick that has it all and the people on the outside want what she has and want to know how to "get like [her]". The point of the song is that all of the things she has she works and prays very hard for, and is tested by the Devil for everyone of her blessings, and that the people that wanna be where she's at need to understand the sacrificed she makes to be that woman they envy.

Yeah, it's a gospel song, but I feel like it relates to more than just spirituality and religious sacrifice. I also feel it in kind of the converse...the "saints" around me think that they know me and my relationship with god (or lack there of in some people's opinions) because I, like everyone else, have struggles with being the "Me" that God would like to see at times. The only difference between me and them is that I don't cloak or disguise my shortcomings or missteps with the fact that I carry my bible around, or "shout" and "dance" at every opportunity, or know every hymn in the hymnal. My relationship with God and personal spirituality is just that---PERSONAL. But that's not enough for some people sometimes i guess. whatever.

I do feel though, that some of the things that I struggle with personally are a direct result of my not being as disciplined as I should or could be mentally or spiritually. Not a huge fan of organized denominations and stuff, they just seem divisive and I really don't know how thousands of different religions and denominations within religions are all preaching "the Truth". I've yet to find one that can convince me totally and fervently that they are, so I don't mess with it. I use the bible, and the fundementals of Christianity to keep me grounded, and I believe whole heartedly and without a doubt that me savior lived, died and rose again for me to be able to eff up over and over again and still make it to wherever it is that I sincerely am tryna be. And that's all I really care to say about it actually.

Just wanted to vent a little I guess. Thanksgiving post coming...

peace.

"I just wanna tell the truth mayne (5x)

Verse 1: Your so fly your so high
Everbody around you trying to figure out why
Your so cool you win all the time
Everywhere you go man you get a lot of shine
You're draw like a magnet better yet A habit
Everything you wear people say they got have it
From the sweat suit to the white tee to the gucci
You can probably say people wanna get like me

Hook: But what they don't know is when you go home
And get behind closed doors man you hit the floor
And what they can't see is your on your knees
So the next time you get a chance tell em

Chorus: It's the God in me (5x)
You think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean
You think I'm so sweet It's the God in me
Kiki:What is it you think you see

Verse 2: You see her style you think she nice
You look at her whip you say the whip tight
You look at her crib you thinkin she's paid
You look at her life you think she's got it made
But everything she's got the girl's been given
She calls it a blessing but you call it living
When it comes to money she can be a hero
She writes them checks with a whole lot of zeros

Hook: But what you don't know is when she get home
And get behind closed doors man she hits the floor
And what you can't see is she's on her knees
If you ask her she'll tell you

Chorus:

Kiki: What is it you think you see
When you see me, you see me
You don't know how much I pray
Don't know how much I gave
Don't know how much I changed
I'm just tryna explain"

I need lovin'. not any lovin', but good lovin'...

2008-11-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

"This poor heart of mine still feel I can find
A love to call my own
I gave him good love, made him feel like a man
Now I need someone new and I want someone like you

He will (come and) Rescue me
(I know one day he'll come for me)
He will (come and) save me
(And I'm waitin', I'm waitin' ooh)

He ain't gotta be no gangsta
He ain't gotta be no balla
'Cause baby if we're strugglin'
I'll ride with ya until we rise
You for me and me for you and
A simple kind of love like I've always dreamed of

He will (come and) Rescue me
(I know one day he'll come for me)
He will (come and) save me
(And I'm waitin', I'm waitin' ooh)

For someone to come into my life and truly rescue me
From the pain that others selfishly have left with me
I need lovin', not any lovin', but good love
Baby if you're out there, holla back

Ooooooohh

He will (he will come and) Rescue me
(Rescue me, I know one day he'll come for me)
He will (baby, I'm waitin', waitin' for you)
Save me (save me)

Ooooohh

For someone to come into my life and truly rescue me
From the pain that others selfishly have left with me
I need lovin', not any lovin', but good love
Baby if you're out there, holla back..."
-Teedra Moses

Damn, i wish i wrote this!!

Really want my mind back...

2008-11-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

I'm officially out of my mind because of my current place on cupid's priority list (dead last) and i figure i should ger some honest material out of it...

"wish I was man enough to be an addict
cuz I’ve had it
don’t wanna know the feeling of feelings, I can’t hack it
cant take another memory, cry another tear,
Keep telling me that I wont feel this way next year…

I’d take drugs to numb the pain of this heartache
drink lots of dark liquor and shoot smack into my veins
overdose on not prescribing to the hope of love again
Erase memories with amphetamines
Cry my tears into a bottle
Of ol grand dad, chasing percocets,
Rub some cocaine on my teeth and have a vodka gargle

Cuz anything’s gotta be better than this pain again
I’m not in my right mind anyway, so why not let weakness win?"

Sad, I know. but i dare you to act like a nigga or a bitch hasnt made you feel this way...

it's a song, no track, no melody, no direction yet, Just some ramblings about how absolutely raped my heart and mind is right now (again)...it will be a song though.

Oh, I'd appreciate your thoughts...

Eh, close enough...

2008-11-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

"Hey ladies, why is it that men can go do us wrong?
Why is is that we just decide to keep holdin' on?
Why is it that we never seem to just have the strength to leave?..."

-Destiny's Child

The Illustrious Morgan State University Choir...

2008-11-07T22:27:00.000-08:00

This is us Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangin (not me that particular day, I was sick:). I'm afraid that as we get these new, young singers, and the choir is comprised primarily of freshman (about 60-70%, roughly), we are losing the essence of our legacy and longstanding reputation of moving the very core of people's souls. Hopefully the newbies pick up on how we do things quickly...

Anyway, this a clip of us singing Precious Lord in VA last semester. So beautiful and Thomas (yes that's a dude singing the solo, countertenor just to educate you) killed as usual.

i'm so in love with this song...

2008-11-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

I wrote the end of Chocolate girl a minute ago, but i never got around to posting it because i havent had a computer for however long it's been, and unfortunately i only had the copy that o saved to my cpu. It's here now though, as my computer's back and functioning, so maybe i'll start posting regularly again. Who knows...

Chocolate Girl

Verse 1:
“She’s so pretty for a dark girl”/
Growin’ up in a white world/
Abd so we’re taught to hate ourselves/
And that we’ll never ever do well/
Then we teach it to our kids/
And they grow up thinking like we did/
A perpetuated, blatant lie/
That black is bad and good is white/
But I…/
Pre-Chorus:
Won’t look into my babies’ eyes/
And tell ‘em that I don’t love me/
So although it’s hard I have to fight/
For a sense of identity/
(Repeat 1x)
I have a hard time accepting how/
Being me somehow isn’t good/
When it’s clear with your/
Tan skin, plumped lips/
That you would be me if you could…/
Hook:
Cuz the blackest berry has the sweetest juice/
And no one can squeeze it baby like we do/
You can try to hide it but you know it’s true/
That you wanna be a chocolate girl…/
(repeat 1x)
Verse 2:
Black is beautiful in every way/
No matter what the people say/
I can tell you how to feel this way/
Because your legacy is not a slave/
You come from Kings and Queens and please believe/
And you can be that if you please/
Just wait and see how proud you’ll be/
Take a second, learn your history/
You’ll see…that/
Hook

I hope to be able to record this really soon, because i love the final product and really wanna put it down so i can be sure that that's the right way to feel...i'll do my best to get that "on and poppin with heem magnetic earrings" (only said that because Knowledge says i can't and we all know I'm a rebel...lol)

Oh yeah, if you havent heard the Union's Heatwave project yet, get up on it, and getchur weight up. That shit definitely gets it on and poppin with heem magnetic earrings. lol!!!!

Peace

I will not blog about this nigga, I WILL NOT blog about this nigga, I WILL NOT BLOG ABOUT THIS NIGGA...

2008-10-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

All I can ever be to you is a darkness that we knew
And this regret I got accustomed to
Once it was so right when we were at our high
Waiting for you in the hotel at night

I knew I hadn't met my match but every moment we could snatch
I don't know why I got so attached
It's my responsibility and you don't owe nothing to me
But to walk away, I have no capacity

He walks away, the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm gone
And in your way in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own

I don't understand, why do I stress the man
When there's so many better things at hand
We could a never had it all, we had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal

Even if I stop wanting you, a perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I cannot play myself again, I should just be my own best friend
Not **** myself in the head with stupid men

He walks away, the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm gone
And in your way in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own

So we are history, your shadow covers me
The sky above, a blaze

He walks away, the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm gone
And in your way in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own

I wish I could sing no regrets and no emotional debts
'Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets
So we are history, the shadow covers me
The sky above, a blaze that only lovers see

He walks away, the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm gone
And in your way my blue shade
My tears dry on their own

He walks away, the sun goes down
He takes the day but I am gone
And in your way my deep shade
My tears dry on their own

He walks away, the sun goes down
He takes the day but I'm gone
And in your way my deep shade
My tears dry

couldn've put it better myself Amy...

Time's a Wastin'...

2008-10-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

...with every second I'm spending on blogspot right now. But there are a few of you that regularly read my blog, so i figured the leat I could do is give you an update. It'll be brief, but I'll expound on everything as soon as time comes back and makes sweet, sweet love to my Morgan State University planner that I got fro mthe severely overpriced book store and creates a bigheaded baby full of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months...centuries for me to use at my discretion and not pay to that bitch Life. Anyway, updates...

Decided to apply fot Teach for America

Am becoming overwhelmed by the application process for Grad School

Got promoted to Managing Editor of my school's yearbook

realized I have no social life

feeling myself desire "Him" romantically less and less

Finding it easier to stay calm, thus getting back to my normal temperment and not the high strung bitch i've been fgor a while

Managing whatever money i can get my hands on a lot better than in the past, although saving is a hoop dream right now

Haven't been writing nearly as much as i should be

completely over the Morgan State University Choir ('ceppin' dat dere trip to Japan next year...)

kinda nervous that iwon't be able to get back to a 3.0 by the end of this semester

lost a little weight...

gained the weight i lost back

decided to be really serious about losing a significant amount of weight, and keeping it off!!

got my ear taken care of. Yay!!

slowly but surely building my wardrobe, although i'm eerily feeling myself recently drawn toward dress clothes (business attire)

Hair's grown back ridiculously from when I cut ii in Feb.

getting drunk a lot more than i should be

remembering why i fell in love with hip hop

writing, writing, and more writing!!)

got roped into a campus magazine project launch with some wack people

decided to let go of a grudge (mainly cuz dude's life already sux enough right now without me meanfacin' when i see him)

plan to dramatically change blog so that i can use it on my resume...don't worry, it'll still be witty and entertaining....

think that's about it for right now. I'll be back sometime soon hopefully.

peace.

The return of Bobby Shaw...

2008-10-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

Chocolate Girl...

2008-09-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

Had a great labor day weekend. That nigga Knowledge came down to Baltimore and supplied me with some much needed Bestest time. You can read all about it in his blog, as well as the fact that i got 4 beats from an amazing producer because of him. Here's what i wrote to one of the tracks i got on labor day called Chocolate Girl. It's pretty self explanatory, and this is only the first verse through half the hook. Can't wait til you guys can here it...by the way, i'm working on getting more music up on the myspace, it's just hard out here in these streets. lol!! feel free to tell me what you think of it...

Chocolate Girl

Verse 1:
“She’s so pretty for a dark girl”/
Growin’ up in a white world/
Abd so we’re taught to hate ourselves/
And that we’ll never ever do well/
Then we teach it to our kids/
And they grow up thinking like we did/
A perpetuated, blatant lie/
That black is bad and good is white/
But I…/
Pre-Chorus:
Won’t look into my babies’ eyes/
And tell ‘em that I don’t love me/
So although it’s hard I have to fight/
For a sense of identity/
(Repeat 1x)
I have a hard time accepting how/
Being me somehow isn’t good/
When it’s clear with your/
Tan skin, plumped lips/
That you would be me if you could…/
Hook:
Cuz the blackest berry has the sweetest juice/
And no one can squeeze it baby like we do/
You can try to hide it but you know it’s true/
That you wish you were a chocolate girl…/

this post is NOT PC at all...here's some honesty for that ass...

2008-08-25T16:12:00.001-07:00

Sometimes i feel like white girls are the bane of my existence.

I know that's effin' horrible, but i can't help it. and no, I'm not racist, and no I'm not gonna try to figure out a way to convince you that I'm not racist despite my first statement.

I went to a predominantly white high school, and the whole time i was there i hated myself. I hated myself because i was so insecure, and i felt so powerless and undesirable. White girls ran that sumbitch. just like i secretly feel that they run the damned world. Anyway, I wished i had long flowing hair and small boobs and small hips and small everything else. and I wished I could afford Chanel bags and Abercrombie and fitch (permitted it fit my small, white girl body, cuz that shit is like baby doll clothes). I wished I could go to the beach (even though i hate being wet) and drive a mustang, or drive anything for that matter. They just seemed to have it all at that point in my life.

And most of all, I wished I had the ability to dumbfound all the black males around me, like they were able to. I didn't date much in high school, because I wasn't in style. Not just a black girl, a dark skinned, thick black girl that didnt act like a white girl. I acted like me, as best I could anyway. i was smart and well spoken, yeah, but i wasn't doing stupid shit to piss off my parents (no drugs and reckless sex and shit) and shopping every time i got the chance like they were. rarely got the chance anyway, but i digress. Ir was really hard to see all of them be able to pick who they wanted, out of our men, and it was a sure thing that the white boys wasn't checkin for no one but them anyway.

I wished they would just leave the black guys alone. They knew they could pick who they wanted at their discretion, and they knew that if we could get anybody, it was a black guy. but they wanted them too. most of them dated white dudes publicly, but fucked niggaz behind closed doors on their parents bed and shit. They had sex whenever and bought niggaz shit and stuff, things that I couldn't, or wasnt willing to do. And those guys were just like puppies. turn't out and wouldn't check for a black girl if they faced certain death otherwise. The rest of them sported those dudes on their arms like the newest Louis Vitton bag, a testament to their "cool points" or status among those of their friends that approved of such things, and the black girls that didn't seem to have the issues that i had with it, for one reason or another.

Those "relationships" never seemed to end well, with the guys ending up in some sort of trouble at the end of it. Very rarely did it end normally, with a normal breakup or a happy marriage. Some of my close friends dated black men, and whenever they did or said something a little racially suspect, they quickly reminded me that they couldn't be racially insensitive, or even prejudice, because they dated "Ty" or "Jamaal" or whoever. My insecurity ran so deep that allowed a black guy to "date me in secret" for pretty much all of high school, while publicly he paraded around with one snow bunny after the next, suckin' face in the hall way and sleeping around at parties and shit. I always knew about all of it (although he never cared to try and hide it anyway), and eventually decided that i wasn't ever gonna be as desirable to these guys (and maybe even any guys) as those white chicks were, so i had to do what i had to do to not be alone. Of course now i know that's ridiculous.

Anyway, When i got to college, an HBCU nonetheless, I was finally in a place where the majority of the people here look like me. My confidence and sense of identity and self worth have skyrocketed since then. But As more and more white girls come here, and I'm approaching my return into mainstream, predominantly white, educational institutions (Temple U.), I feel like i gotta make sure that these stupid insecurities that are in the past, are really in the past, and don't come back nagging me every so often like they do now.

I realized that I wasn't where i need to be with these demons today, when it came to my attention that this guy that I'm checkin' for right now might be on this white girl shit too, although i thought the contrary. Before today it had been a lot of "joking" comments about dating and fuckin' white girls, but not really much else in the way of evidence. But today, I was on his Myspace page (Disclaimer, this next statement is probably gonna seem really stupid) and saw that he's been getting a few (more than usual) comments from white girls on his page, specifically some chick he went to high school with. Shes like, half naked in some of her pics, and he's had some things to say about her looking good, and it seems like she may be tryna talk to him, or vice versa even. And I know that's all retarded of me to even be thinking about, but that's my point.

As soon as they come into my radar, as soon as I know that there's a white girl who seems to be giving more than a little bit of attention to something I have or want, I get that scared, powerless, insecure feeling in the pit of my stomach. and ultimately It's not something that I'll stress myself about...if he wants a white girl he can have her ass. But i guess i feel the remnants of that time in my life every time i think that myself and a white girl have our attention on the same thing. And I never thought him to be the type to even go for a white girl, which is oddly a part of his allure. I saw him as the only guy i'd ever met that seemed to be immune to the devilish charm of the white woman. Maybe none of them are...

At first I wanted to send him an angry text with a really smart ass comment about him "chasin' the bunnies now" or something, because just the thought of "losing him to the struggle" as I affectionately call it, makes me never wanna talk to him again. but that's just not a good idea. I do that to him sometimes when he's showing interest in another girl, and even when he's not and i just think he is, and i know how annoyed and turned off I'd be if he were to do the same. I always feel really stupid afterwards, because I'm over caring about it after about a half hour, so if i give myself time to react accordingly instead of acting impulsively, i would embarrass myself a lot less when it comes to him. It's just wanting someone's attention so bad and not having it I think, that makes you act jealous and insecure in general, and when you add stupid, irrational lady issues on top of it, it makes you do the stupidest things sometimes.

Like i said, if that's what he ended up wanting, he could have it with no problem from me, and i wouldn't at all feel less desirable because now I am (despite the sad and insecure tone of this post) sure of myself and confident and happy with who I am. I finally see myself as a total commodity, even in my flaws, and know for sure that any guy that gets my attention is a lucky bastard. but there's clearly a little cementing of these sentiments needed before I get around white people again.

I may talk to him about this, although it's not likely because i don't feel like him being insensitive and stupid, or judging me and treating me as if I'm insecure or super jealous or something...boys are stupid like that and don't seem to understand that women just get a little silly sometimes, but that doesn't mean that that's who we are. It's just a moment. Guys also seem to have no idea the power they have when a woman is feeling them as much as I am him. No one else on this planet makes me act more irrational than him at this point. And his ass would say "you shouldn't give me that much power", as if I have my choice in the matter and have chosen to relinquish mad power to his rugged charm. I hate him for making me feel like this...

hate him in a "I wanna kiss all over the face" sort of way.:0)

Silent Tears

2008-08-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

"But if I can't have you, I'd rather be in your presence, crying these silent tears..."

Yup...that's a bout right.

You know what's exhausting?

2008-08-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

Caring about people that...I'll just say, don't feel the same way. And for some reason I keep finding myself in this situation over and over and OVER again. Before one can effin' end, I'm in a-freakin'-nother one. (sighs.) I'm almost convinced at this point that I'm suppose to be the one wanting niggas from afar, or just not peaking the interest of the most interesting ones. or even the bums...just not peaking the interests of the ones I want. But all the A-holes in between.

This'll be brief, cuz I seriously am dog tired, emotionally, mentally and physically.

I'm also tired of bitchassnigga syndrome. It's seemingly endemic among our generation. I don't feel like going into anything too deep, but I just got a text from a friend telling me that some bitchassness (hate that i just quoted Diddy, uugghh) that happened in a friend's honesty box (I know, right?) pertaining to me, was done by a dirty, filthy superwhore who I feel like hunting down and killing anyway for having had what I want right now and throwin' that shit away like her bitch ass hadn't struck oil or some shit. Dirty, cunt-tastic skunk ass bitch. But for a more detailed example of the symptoms of this disease running rampant in someone system, read my cour-ney's latest blog.

Almost done, just three more.

I'm tired of people demanding my time like I don't have shit to do, and getting mad when I can't accommodate their egos. That is soooooooooo annoying, it makes me wanna set people on fire. I just had a "friend" (because he was really important to me, but his ego has caused him to lose mad points) send me a text (these texts are the devil right?) telling me that he added me back into his phone, with sort of a congratulatory tone to it. Did i really care that much? At first I was disappointed that he was so affected by my inability to call niggaz everyday, or even every week cuz of this shit they call undergrad, but then i was like "whatever. The people that matter understand, and will be there anyway." Understand that i am shitty about keeping in touch when shit get's hectic with my schedule, but that definitely doesn't mean you're not on my mind and it my prayers. That shit's just annoying.

I am SOOOOOOOOO SICK of those same nigga's whose attention i can never get, realizing what they're missing after the fact. And they all do it. Every last one of 'em. My ex just called/texted (again with the texts) me again about how he misses me and was stubborn in giving himself to me and he's sorry for the things he's said and done, and hopes we can get close again, starting with a close firendship. What?? What about that year and 8 months that i was tryna make you understand that it doesn't get any better than me?? Stupid. And the one before him did the same thing, and is still tryin' it now. The sad thing is, I know that this one that I want now will do it too, and I feel myself tryna hold out for him. I know he's gonna do it too, but once the feelings are gone, if it isn't fear, it'll be common sense that never lets me go back to them. But I think we'd be good together and have somehow convinced myself (with a nudge from my mother who adores him) that it's worth waiting fo him to figure it out. Meanwhile, I sit harboring mad feelings for someone that seems to find ways to remind me everyday that he doesn't feel me at all. I don't know that I can take watchin' him with these piece of shit girls that aren't good enough for him and won't be there when things get tough, and expect him to give them his world, instead of tryna feed him and grow with him. Sux big, sloppy wet animal balls. Not sure what animal yet though.

Last, I'm tired of paying so much damed money for my bras, and clothes in general. If i can find some shit that fits, I have to pay at least 10% more than my less endowed female peers. I think it's outrageous. That' why a nigga only has like 6 bras, cuz you gotta be on an astonauts salary to afford anymore than that. And NO MORE BLACK, WHITE, AND BEIGE!!!! (no more wire hangers!!, hehe.) AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

This blog was primarily just to complain, so Imma put a song on it too. I Keep, By Jill Scott. Enjoy.

bitin' offa tuck (no homo)...

2008-07-31T14:25:00.000-07:00

Stole this survey thingy from Tuck...Hooray for her #5 thing she believes in...read her post to figure that one out.

ten random things about me...

10. I hate the P-word. (rhymes with...Tushy. Kind of.)

9. I hate pants. If i could go pantless everywhere, I surely would. that includes shorts and stuff too. I like my "goods" to be free. lol!!

8. I'm obsessed with graduating. If you look up the definition, it describes my exact sentiment towards getting outta undergrad.

7. I used to be 30-40 pounds lighter than I am now. (Its amazing what a b/f that always wants to go out to eat will do;-<

6. I had a one night stand once...one of the few things in life i wish i could take back for sure. Used to be pretty impressionable...boooooooo!!!

5. I could probably have a very lucrative career singing opera. It just isn't for me...don't have nearly the love for it to commit and be as disciplined as I would need to be.

4. I can't drive stick (no hetero, I'm def. like Jeff Gordon, I NASCAR that stick shift nigga!!)...you said random, right?

3. I played the flute for about 4 years but moved to a school with no music program and ended up giving it up. Tried to rekindle my love for it, but by then we had outgrown each other. lol.

2. I do yoga.

1. I think genitalia are ugly. Peens and Kitty-Kat-meows. They have a natural beauty, but generally speaking, there not much too look at in my opinion. Never understood why niggaz wanna look at it and shit...(shrugs shoulders)

nine ways to win my heart...

9. Read for fun...I love to hear about new books, and talk about books that we've read/should/shouldn't read.

8. Put your coat over my puddle. Chivalry isn't dead until you kill it by not using it. Don't be extra though, with constant compliments and not even letting me touch doorknobs and shit. be reasonably a gentleman.

7. Be yourself/be ok with yourself...no size complexes (of any sort) or weird shit like that. Confidence (not cockiness) is some of the sexiest shit ever. And besides, more than likely i love the things that you'd like to change about yourself.

6. Be in someway musical. I can't even explain how sexy this is to me.

5. Cook well...I LOVE a nigga that can cook (i know, that's big as hell)

4. Make me laugh. I laugh at damned near everything, so if you can't make me laugh, you should kill urself.

3. Get along with my Bunny (twin). Not as easily as it sounds, trust me.

2. "Good D, and good T-in' the V"-Bunny
In other words, hold it DIDOWN in the lovin' dept.

1. make me feel safe...It's IMPERATIVE that I trust you. It's not easy, and you don't automatically have my trust until you lose it...in fact, you don't have it, until you earn it. I don't make niggas jump through firey hoops of insecurity either...figure it out. It can be done, it's been done before.

eight things I want to do before I die...

8. Go on tour...and sell out.

7. cheer again (or maybe coach, lol)

6. successfully create a brand for myself and make a $1 million (net worth) off of said brand

5. Go to Hawaii

4. Get married and have babies...and stay married.

3. Be loved by a good, strong, Black man.

2. Be the woman God wants me to be.

1. Inspire

seven ways to annoy me...

7. Make me repeat myself...aaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!! I hate it.

6. I hate when people ignore me.

5. Mouth noises. Ugh.

4. talk about having sex with my mom. UGH!

3. Cut me off when I'm talking. GRRRRRRRRR!!

2. Talk my damned ear off.

1. Wrong someone I love. Very bad idea.

six things I believe in...

6. My Bunny

5. The Union

4. Karma

3. Music (there's such power in music...)

2. Myself

1. God

five things I am afraid of...

5. Bugs

4. Having a family that i can't take care of

3. Never being loved by a good black man (besides the love of your children, the greatest love a woman could ever know...haven't had it so far

2. Losing someone I love

1. Disappointing the people I love and God

four of my favorite things...

4. My phone

3. good books

2. FOOD!!

1. Music

three things i do everyday...

3. Wash

2. Pray

1. Sing

Two things I wanna do right now...

2. Talk to him ( but I'm stopping myself...)

1. Write

one person i wanna see right now...

1. My Bestest or My Bunny (yeah, i know you said one dammit.)

If I ever meet Ledisi...SLAP!! right across her damned face...

2008-07-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

...For singin' like that!! She really sings so well it makes me wanna slap her. I'm at work right now, at a job I don't care for right now, because i spend my days youtubin' and facebookin...all stuff I could do at home.

But every once and a while i come a cross a gem of a youtube clip like this one, and I'm over being here for a little while. Or at least until the clip is over and the stench and over bearing voice (BEAR being the operative word inside a word) of my over weight boss invade my world once more.

For all of you that follow my music...all 3 of you...this is what I'm striving for. Uninhibited singing and performing, the passion, power, joy and pain of being a black woman painted across niggaz' eardrums by my insane range of soulful, soothing vocals. I have the range that she has, probably more actually...but There's a lack of confidence and experience that goes without saying on my end. And as far as my writing is concerned...well, that's a whole 'nutha blog for real.

Anyway, on with the show...this is Ledisi singing a track off her album Lost and Found, entitled "Alright" live...killin'. Enjoy!! I bet you'll wanna slap her ass for some of them notes too...lol!!

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang Nigga!!!!!

2008-07-30T17:16:00.000-07:00

This is MY NIGGA cour-ney (courteney) singing why not trust God at her church in Phillly. Saaaaaaaaang Nigga!!!! This video is posted on her mom's Myspace.

My Courteney singing

I'm over these way to serious emo bitches with wack poetry. Ugh, that shit's annoying. Ready to make some really good music too...restless as hell...

2008-07-29T07:06:00.001-07:00

Why does it take so much for people to just BE EASY?!

Why do some of the seemingly intelligent black men I know feel like they have to be militant ass wannabe black panthers that talk a buncha shit, but ain't really doin' shit for "the cause" sans hollerin' and screamin' at an on campus Jena Six rally? So damned smart, that they can't have a real conversation, 'cause somehow in all that "book learnin'" so that they could "defeat the system from within" (puhleeze!!) they never learned how to relate to people, even in the easiest of social settings. Guys that still wear incredibly over-sized clothing because "the man can't tell them how to express their ethnicity appropriately", but really it's because they're not secure and confident enough to actually try and look good. I'll tell you one thing, the man sure aint' gonna hire ur wack ass with that 3 year old facial hair and that lingering smell of egyptian musk oil and weed, that's for sure. But I guess you'd be happy to live in starvation, as long as the Man doesn't get inside ur mind, right? D-bags.

And the other half is a buncha emo, wack poetry writing, lock havin', I'm an artist, so i'll do every facet of art I've ever heard of, even though I'm mediocre at all of 'em (at best, lol) Heather Hedley's whinin' ass lovin' (ugh, how horrible), wannabe Pan-African, but really don't know SHIT about what's really goin' on over there, cuz' all you do is watch the media slut out all the bad shit about Africa so these non-profit orgs that are suppose to be helping can...profit-ass females that smell like tea tree oil and think they're better than me. Or hate somethin' i got (how 'bout JOY, and real confidence) because they can't figure out how to live semi-genuinely.

Sorry about that rant, but the point is, I'm very passionate about the plight of our people. But i'm also happy. And there is a way to do both. In fact, if you're not happy and passionate about things, then I don't trust the "help" you try and send to the community (if you even try at all, effin' posers).

These kids don't need to hear how horrible their lives will be. They need to know, honestly, what's really going on in this country and abroad, and what their odds of surviving and even being successful are...and then they need to know that...fuck a odd!! Fuck the numbers, fuck the ones who fucked shit up before you, except looking at them to know what not to do.

The greatest thing you can do for a poor black kid in Jersey, or Baltimore, or Detroit, or Philly, or anywhere else...Chesapeake City, MD even, is to equip them with the knowledge that they really can do whatever they want. WHATEVER THEY WANT!! Despite the odds and their surroundings, and their family's history, and even you, haters. I'm a living testimony to that. Maybe that's why i'm happy.

I already know I've "made it", defeated the odds and spit in haters' faces by getting here...inches away from a college degree. Maybe these people somehow don't realize the magnitude of themselves as intelligent black people and somehow have convinced themselves that Whitey is to blame for their apathy and restlessness. In some rights he is, but get the fuck over it and do somethin with urself.

AND STOP WITH THE POETRY!!! Ain't none 'a ya'll Hughes or Giovanni in this bitch...ur shit sux. stop it. lol...ok, that's just me hatin'...kinda. you do suck though.

I'm just sayin' there's a time to be happy and a time to be serious and dramatic and shit. You need to be happy sometimes. Being Emo all the damned time and taking everything too seriously is NOT...i repeat NOT what the cool kids are doing. Same goes with music, as my best friend so eloquently put it in his blog post about "dark" hip hop...
and that applies to you "unsigned stars" too. Relax yourselves. A part of making "good music" is making a variety of music, on all subjects and topics with different moods and musicality. and you wonder no one is downloading your shit, but The Union is gettin' their shit bootlegged. that's why dumb ass.

lol...I've made so much of an ass of myself writing about these idiots that i don't feel like typing about music right now. I'll be back later i guess.

Oh and if this offends anyone, good. That means you're stupid. Congratulations.

oh yeah, download The Perseverance niggaz.

First Youtube Video!!!!

2008-07-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

I just uploaded my first youtube video of me doing the song from the previous post my way. It's exciting, first youtube video ever. waitin' on the haters though. you guy watch it and tell me what you think. maybe even comment on youtube if you can. More to come on the music front...

Peace!!

"I'll be your Groupie Baby..."

2008-07-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

this song is THE TRUTH!! with my playlist on random, it seems that today is the day that it will augment all my thoughts for the day. As soon as i though, "I'd really like to write something beautiful about love that's creative, well written, and the vocals are produced really well. Wonder where I'll start..." this song came up in the shuffle.

def. reflects how i feel, although def. not as intense (def. can't say i love anybody, but i like him enough for this to apply to me today too!!).

put the lyrics down so you guys could follow along.

Superstar, by Usher (Confessions)

This is for you, you, my number one
This is for you, you, my number one
This is for you, you, my number one

Spotlights, big stage
Fifty thousand fans screamin' in a rage
Bodyguards and limousines
This is the way I see you in my dreams
Paparazzi flash, hundred pictures all of you
Hangin' on my bedroom wall
I'm a kid again, I feel like thirteen
But I knew since we fell in love
Girl I'd be

[Chorus]
I'll be your groupie baby
Cuz you are my superstar
I'm your number one fan, give me your autograph
Sign it right here on my heart
Girl I'll be your groupie baby
Cuz you are my superstar
And as your number one fan
I'll do all that I can
To show you how super you are

Front row, there I am
Jumpin' and hollerin' waving both hands
Would you notice me, little me
Drove twelve hours girl just to see
Your pretty face one more time
Bought my ticket I was first in line
This is a metaphor to show how I adore (I adore you)
Baby I do

[Chorus]
I'll be your groupie baby
Cuz you are my superstar
I'm your number one fan, give me your autograph
Sign it right here on my heart
Girl I'll be your groupie baby
Cuz you are my superstar
And as your number one fan
I'll do all that I can
To show you how super you are

Now you know how I feel
You're truly special
Your love is legendary to me
Without you my life stands still
I'll never leave your world
Treat you like a diva girl
Girl you're one of a kind
Cuz they don't make 'em like you anymore
So I'll be your fan life
I dedicate this to my superstar for all time

[Chorus]
I'll be your groupie baby
Cuz you are my superstar
I'm your number one fan, give me your autograph
Sign it right here on my heart
Girl I'll be your groupie baby
Cuz you are my superstar
And as your number one fan
I'll do all that I can
To show you how super you are

Aaaarrrrggggghhhhhh, Ye Skirvy Pirates!!!!!

2008-07-23T07:59:00.000-07:00

So, my closest amigos, hip hop duo The Union, are being... BOOTLEGGED!!!!!

it's craziness, i know. and I'm conflicted about how i feel about it. I mean, they're not that big, so part of me is excited that someone thinks enough of their music and marketability to steal it and sell it with out sharing the profits with them (not to mention the profits from advertising clients each time their page is viewed. But that pisses me off too, cuz they work REALLY HARD and deserve to at least be asked before a website distributes their shit, especially for profit.

Here's an email i sent Knowledge this morning to further describe my anguish over the siteeation:

"THIS IS CRAZY!!!! I can't believe it!! I mean, not yet. i'm conflicted about how i feel about it... on one hand, exposure and distribution is exposure and distribution, especially since ya'll are givin the shit away anyway.

but dammit, they didn't ask!! you woulda just gave it to 'em (i'm assuming). They're making $ off the people that go to listen or download through advertising (whether it's 6 listens or 6 million listens) and ya'll are makin' squat. CD baby is at least paying ya'll something for every CD you sell...

And the quality is horrible!! it sounds like they recorded it from their cpu to something else, or some other kinda second rate way to post the music. like if you record a song off the radio on a blank cassette (like back in the day...shut up, you know you did that!!) instead of buying the CD. So the people that are listening, may think that ya'll are some amateur hacks, and even if they don't think that right off, will still be deterred from buying the mp3's ($.15 a pop), when really, it's not nearly as bad quality as it sounds on this site.

I guess this, like realizing you have groupies, is a milestone for you, right?"

How do ya'll feel about it? I know some of ya'll actually attempt to follow the unions music, and the rest of ya'll are mindless losers or have been seriously deprived of the movement (click here to redeem yourselves...losers.) I for one, would rather pay ALL $3 for their album on CDbaby or buy it from them. and you can get it for free from their myspace page!! legitimately!!

I understand that this is the age of downloading, but i always pay for music that i think is worth it, and if the artist is accessible, i even shout them a holla about the music personally (myspace). so yeah, Eff bootleggers???

Song for this post is "Raw Life" by The Union, my favorite of their songs so far.

I'm not dramatic, I just really honestly believe...

2008-07-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

...that niggaz are retarded.

I'm on the phone with that nigga that somehow i can't get around writing about constantly on this here blog. I tell him a story about how this other guy is tryna spend time with me...long story short, i say:

"I'm not interested because of A,B,C and D...and besides...i like you, and i'm not really interested in anyone else right now because of that."

and this dumbass says:

"It's really gay that you would say that...sux for you."

WHHHHAAAAATTTTT TTTTHHHHEEEEEE FFFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!??!?!!?!?!?!

Am I crazy, or was that a really insensitive thing to say? I don't think i'm over reacting to be annoyed by a response like that.

I understand that this nigga doesn't feel the same way, and I make a conscious effort not to even mention my feelings in an attempt to keep things from being awkward and uncomfortable. But it doesn't change the fact that that's how i feel. Yes, i'm tryna get over it, and not care about him in that way anymore, but i'm not there yet dammit!!

you don't say stupid shit like that to the girl that adores you (or guy) because it'll hurt their feelings!!!! Especially if they already know that you don't want them...

wouldn't ya'll think that that already hurts enough as it is??

Am i over reacting? actually, i didn't react too much at all, but do you think it's dramatic that it was kinda hurtful?

it sux because it's highly unlikely that this nigga even cares that my feelings were kinda hurt (just a little, but enough) because i know he thinks that they shouldn't be. i just can't wait til i dont give a fuck about him romantically anymore, and it makes me sad to feel that way. He's not a bad guy, just a stupid ass boy. And the only reason why i can't wait til i'm over the shit is because it hurts so bad to feel like this by myself...again. other than that, i could feel this way until whenever...

this is why i'm always saying fuck niggaz. it's not that i don't love them or think they're great, but good God, is anything worth all this effin' strife all the time? I can't seem to get it right, and it's annoying.

anyway, getting sick, gotta go to a party 2morrow that i don't wanna go to (cuz I'm sick) and i gotta be ready to leave at 9 damned 30 and be there all damed day, cuz i can't drive myself. SUX big marble balls.

on a lighter side, pretty much def. gonna graduate, or at least walk next May...**hold on, let me knock on wood...ok** and that's super exciting. YAY ME!!

Song for this one is "Womanopoly" by musiq soulchild, because it's crazy how much i need to just focus on me. Can't wait to get him outta my head. And this is like the story of my life...

plus and minus a few details.

and men, i'd really appreciate your comments...quit lurkin'.

PEACE!!

Great Weekend...

2008-07-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

Went to see my Bestest this weekend. Good times. I ate real food (no beans and rice for one weekend, woo hoo!!), went out dancing (which i really don't do often, and SERIOUSLY need to do more of) got drunk a couple of times (one by accident, damned sneaky ass brandy :0), and spent some quality time with my NUCCA. Def. missed him since he's been gone, and I'm so super proud of him still, it makes no sense. His apt., is too cute, and i love the area he lives in (Go Norristown!!)

Watched like 11-teen hours of Martin, which surprisingly, i didn't get tired of as soon as I thought i would. Martin is the shit though, shouldn't be that surprised. **Random sidebar** I like how uninhibited i seem to be when I'm drunk. Wanna know what's on my heart and my mind? Get me drunk. It's like truth serum, that alcohol. Precisely the reason why I only get that drunk with my bestest. Cuz i know he won't let anything too bad happen...just kinda bad. :)**sidebar over** We also watch Katt Williams' American Hustler special...and I must implore everyone to watch it. Vital info for your everyday life, like Laurie Beth Denberg in this bitch.
Especially you bitch niggaz and raggedy bitches. lol.

Incredible Hulk was THE SHIT!! It was kinda scary though, and I forgot to tell my Bestest that I kinda get scared pretty easily. Lookin forward tot this Avengers thing that we think is gonna come of this recent rash of great marvel comic movies. Kinda makes me wanna read 'em...
and I'm itchin for Dark Knight.

Fuck transitions.

I need more of a selection of clothes to go out in, especially if Imma plan to go out more. I dance my ass off, and I'm sexy, so I feel like I should always look the part. Right?

I like being at a club with one guy who my attention is on and who's attention's on me. Or at least they'll pretend it is. It makes me feel ultra sexy, and it's a great oblique workout (all the lap dancing, hehe!).

"Doitdoitdoitdoit, doitdoitdoit..."

Umm, what else? Oh BETO'S!! The craziest, dumb-good food ever. So far. Super nice, ultra italian mofo's makin' every and anything i want the way i want it. If you walk in a pizza spot and see mad italian para...flags, sopranos posters, scarface, the godfather, lucky luciano, etc...you know the shit's gonna be bangin.

I heart Mango Water Ice, especially for a dollar.

Only bad thing is, the whole time i was there, thoughts of the dude I'm feelin' kept invading my mental...very distracting. I tried to keep the distractions under control though, cuz i really wanted to have a good weekend with my Bestest. Success I suppose, cuz we had oodles of fun. lol. Hopefully I'll be distracted enough by how busy the next year is gonna be that I can get over him. And secretly (guess not so secretly anymore now) I hope that by some act of God he just all of a sudden comes around and can't get enough of me, the same way i really just can't get enough of him.

Yeah, I know, Whatever. I'm gonna keep prayin for it til I'm over him though. "Cuz I serve a Gaaaaaawwwwwwwdddddddd...who is ABLE!!!!" lol (impersonation of my mom clowning me). Can't wait to go back and visit again, cuz I had a great time. Two songs for this post..."Caramel Kisses" by faith Evans feat. 112 because this song was the poo in my day and it makes me think of that nigga I'd like to have right now. And "Donk" by...yes, that damned Soulja Boy. I'm sorry, but this shit bangs, and when it came on in the club/bar dealy we were at on the 4th, EVERYBODY went off. Or was that just me? whatever.

Ladies, don't let this happen to you!!

2008-07-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

this is soooooooooooo funny!! I'm not mad at you guys, I LOVE YOU!! you just get on my nerves.
I actually was on some pre menstrual shit and watched this movie on lifetime (aka crazy lady channel) where this man cheated on his first wife, married the woman he cheated with, and then cheated on her with a crazy bitch that his wife had been tryna tell him was tryna kill her the whole time. Of course it all comes out in the end, and the bitch goes to jail, but the husband doesn't want his wife to divorce him. WTF?!?!?! then why the hell did you cheat?? Mad niggaz was pointin it out to him, and when the bitch finally showed that she WAS tryna take him from his wife, he didn't hesitate!! No, he didn't initiate, but he didn't even try to stop her either. just went right along, like he forgot he had a wife and daughter. And the daughter ended up snitchin on him, and fighting for him to not have custody of her...cause her dad's a pig.

Point is, at such a fragile and emotional state, that certainly wasn't something i shoulda been watchin. I cried really hard for that lady, and when the movie was over, i was so mad at all men, that the next one i saw b4 i calmed down woulda got slapped.

But I'm good now. :) period's long gone (for this month) and I'm back to being as close to rational as i can be as a female. No war guys, it's all love...for now. hehe.

Now to the point: I wrote this rant of a blog right after i got done crying for that lady, and had put some Destiny's Child on while I was doing it. I know the men are reading this like "Huuuuuuugggghhhh, F**k Destiny's Child!!!" Yeah, they def. be on some she-woman, man hating shit, so i shouldn't been listening to that shit either. Next time i feel aunt flo coming, i'm puttin a block on lifetime and putting all my Destiny's Child in a chest and locking it until she's gone. lol!!

KISS MY ASS...
Current mood: cooky/wacky

"wait a minute, wait a minute. I think i gotta take some time and clear my mind...'Cuz if i don't, I might SCREAM..."

I just got done throwing up. I know it seems a little graphic, but bear with me...

I just got done throwing up...with a smile on my face. I hate throwing up.

I actually cried so hard that I made myself sick. Gnarly right? But believe it or not, it's a good thing. Because with every "up" that I "chucked", I could feel him leaving my system. He, and all these other niggaz that don't seem to understand a diamond when they see it, or want to use, abuse and confuse me, or dont think I'm worth a little bit of effort, or worth the title that I deserve, or don't want me to meet their family b/c I'm too dark for their mamas, or want me on some jumpoff/side chick/back up plan shit, can have MY ENTIRE ASS TO KISS.

"No, it ain't easy being left out, and being forgotten about. You didn't deserve my love, I've had enough..."

I'm Soooooooooooo done with these niggaz. I don't wanna hear no shit about being bitter, or having hope, or "if Sanaa Lathan can do it, we all can", or none 'a that stupid shit. I'm sick of giving second chances to mothafuckas and getting the same bag of shit in return.

You've officially sent this Black Queen all the way crazy. You happy now? Pops? Step Daddy? Virginity Taker? First "best friend"? First Love? And you too? Yeah, that's right, I'm talkin' about your "I just don't like some things about you, and they kill it all" ass too.

I hope so. Some of you are certainly more to blame then others, and one of you I can barely blame at all. But you're gender makes you enough of a culprit, so SUCK IT.

"Hold 'em up. Wait a second..I gotta get somethin' off my chest. My happiness was your happiness, I lived and breathed you and all your needs...Let me speak...It's best I do what's best for me...
Now ladies, ladies, ladies, I'VE GOT MY MIND BACK!! I've been there and done that. No looking back..."

I'm tires of lettin' niggaz in against my better judgement...which by the way ALWAYS knows that fuckin' with these niggaz for real is a bad idea. Understand that if a nigga that can convince me not to fuck him and leave 'em actually exists, HE WILL PUT IN SOME SERIOUS WORK.

Yup, he's gonna pay for ALL ya'll mistakes, boy. I almost feel bad for him. ALMOST. But somebody's gotta get this shit, and who better than a fucked up dude? You do a lot for us men, but way too much of what you do hurts. deeply and eternally. So I'm officially waging war against you. ALL OF YOU.

I'm tired of a nigga being on my mind, so much that I'm literally distracted from everything else. You surely don't deserve that much of me. None of you.

And yeah, I'm afraid of being a spinster and spending my enire life focused on my career and having to raise children alone, but I would never want my children to see me like this, and it's inevitable if I link myself romantically to any other men. No, I don't wanna be alone and I don't wanna be someone that never ever gets to truely love a man and be loved in return. But if this what I'm destined to go through, then that morsel of hope isn't worth the risk anyway.

So I'll never be 100% happy...90% is ok with me.

My heart is now mine and no one elses. Look on the bright side guys...some incredible music is gonna cone outta this, right?

P.S.-this is how my mind works 3 days before my period. Watch me be in love again next week. (sighs).

"Ain't no feelin' like bein' FREE, when your mind's made up and your heart is in the right place...when you done all you could, but was misunderstood, IT'S ALL GOOD..."

Jersey's New Icon...

2008-06-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

Damn you Tuck...

MEME Rules:
1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!
Ok, here goes. But I warn you, I'm not your average listener...

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Lina-Come to Mama...she's a beast first of all. Second of all, no it's not ok. I'm letting it go for now, but eventually, imma need you to realize that it seriously doesn't get any better than me. How she describes herself in the song? Yeah, that's what you're missin' Son. But take your time...i believe it's worth the wait. And anyway, she sings in french!! yeah, random, i know.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Bella Luna-Jason Mraz...yeah, this is really a really sexy and subtle song about a beautiful girl that isn't like the people around her, but affects everything and everyone she comes in contact with. That's part of me, so I'll take it.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Heavy-Dreamgirls Soundtrack...yeah, uh, tis is the exact opposite of what I want in a dude, but what I always end up with. And the fact that the guy that the song is about did exactly what my ex did, was awesome, and then showed his insecurity. Yeah, no heavy ones Son.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Straight from the Heart-George Duke...I'd love to be with the [boy] and live together, i want to give something straight from the heart, I'm feeling just about as happy as I can be..." Yeah, this is pretty much it everyday. I want theat nigga. Def. don't wanna live with him, or even be his girlfriend right now (although I have the feelings for it). Just want his attention, and it consumes my mind.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Amel Larrieux-Make Me Whole...I feel like one of my purposes in this life is to love, without restriction, doubt, or insecurity. That's what she's talkin' about in the song. Most importantly though, this song speaks to me. It feels like aloe vera on my wounds to think about finally being in the place that she's singing about, and I feel like my most important purpose is to touch and speak to people with this music I have in me. Cheesy, but it's the truth.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Fred Hammond-Love's in Need..."Someone's in need of love today, don't delay, send yours in right away"...This song is pretty much who I am. And what people knew me as before I went through all that hurt that made me so bitter and angry and defensive and guarded. And yeah, Fred Hammond and Musiq? Sweet.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Nas-Can't Forget About You...hopefully my real friends really feel like I'm unforgettable. And see in my future as much talent as Chrisette Michele. Wouldn't that be crazy? I see it though. And Nas' delivery on this song makes me wanna rap too...and I just might do it one day. lol...I'm sure Ron and Squirtle'll get a kick outta that shit...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Nsync-Gone...This is relevant in 3 very different ways. I have my Mom (my ace!!), my biological father, and my stepdad. I'll start with his ass. Only the title reminds me of him...that nigga is GONE en ls cabesa Son!! straight bat shit. My biological father passed away when i was 11, and was gone way before then. One of 3 memories of him was one summer that i was suppose to spend with him in Reading, PA, but a day after me and my sister got there, that nigga was "Gone!, Gone!" lol!! And my mom, my sister and I shared a sick obsession with Nsync from about 8th grade up until, well now really! lol!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Justin Timberlake-Lovestoned...Don't know about "love" stoned, but i'm definitely stoned off that nigga. He knows it, and he loves it. he'd be crazy not to, right? "[He's] bad, and he knows" lol. And the end where it gets real laid back and sexy reminds me of his chill-ass personality. And at this point, he's pretty much all I think about. Him, my music, and graduating. And sex. But the sex is with him, so does that count as something separate? whatever.

WHAT IS 2+2?
Chante Moore-Chante's Got a Man...let's see...2+2=4ever...and 4ever is how long it's gonna be before I can sing this song, mean it, and the shit actually last. fuck Chante, wit her light skinned ass. Of course you got a man bitch. lol!!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Breakadawn-Rhymefest...first, he put me on to this album, and it's one of my favorites. Second, the whole concept is mad creative, and his concepts and the way he puts it together on paper is too me equally as creative. Wait til you here Thru Playin' Around Here...you'll see what I mean.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Jr. walker and the All Stars-Shotgun...I laughed out loud when this came on. Cuz' I'm tryna "shoot heem fo' he run now" lol!! No, we both love this song, cuz it's the shit. It's so much fun, and it reminds me of him. and my mom oddly enough. Cuz she put me on to it in like 4th grade.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Faith Evans-I Need For You to Love Me-I STAY wanted a nigga that don't want me!!! Stay singing this song!!! Definitely my romantic life's story.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Cake-Carbon Monoxide...i wanna be creative and fun, like this song. It reminds me of a song from the Backyardigans. :-) And eventually I want my music to be socially conscious, and this is a very environmentally conscious song.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? Aaliyah-We Need a Resolution...we most certainly do. 'cuz heartache doesn't look good on me. "You've got issues, I've Got issues, but I know I miss you..." exactly.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? The Killers-Andy, Your a Star...i consider my Mom and my Grandparents to be my parents. And they think I'm a star. So proud of me, and wanting the best for me. Disappointed that I haven't been able to find a good guy yet, want me to be with someone specific (my mom's in love with him), but she can suck it. lol!! Yeah, and if no one else thought I was (which very well may be the case), they'll always think I'm a star.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Toni Braxton-Finally...this is working out eerily well. I probably won't dance to this song, as a matter of fact, I'm sure I won't. But it's exactly how I'll feel, so I'll take it.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Jill Scott-Golden...wow, this is crazy!! Yeah, hopefully people will be able to say that I eventually learned to live my life like it was Golden, and was very happy. And that my music is hot like Ms. Scott's. lol.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Lupe Fiasco-Gotta Eat...Imma take from the title. I LOVE to eat!! love it. and clearly good music is my hobby, whether it's mine, or Lupe's or whomevers.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Common-Misunderstood...sometimes I get really sad because people misunderstand who I am with this facade of myself that I've created to protect myself. I remember being happy and mild mannered, and I miss it. And that's how I want people to remember me. But no one that's met me in the last two years knows that me. My biggest secret is that I have an intense fear that I won't be able to convince those who know the defensive me won't believe in the real me. "Misunderstood...I'm just human."

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Billie Holiday-Crazy He Calls Me..."I'll say I'll move the mountains, and I'll move the mountains, If [they] wants them out of the way. Crazy [they] call me, sure! I'm crazy, crazy in love I'd say..." I love my friends. And I'd do anything in my power and beyond what I can conceptualize as my power for them if they need it. I hope they know that...

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Da Vinci, The Verbal Arteest-Jersey's New Icon

And the clouds opened up, and God said, "Stop pressin' your hair dummy!!"

2008-06-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

So, I'm natural. My hair doesn't get relaxed or altered from it's natural state chemically at all. Started in March of 2006...and I've been "clean" ever since. Only problem is, I generally like to wear my hair straight because i haven't found a natural style that I like enough to rock regularly, and i'm not huge on weave either. So at this point, I'm pretty nice with the flat iron. But it seems like God might have a problem with me pressing my hair straight, because damn, every time i press it, it effin' rains!! EVERY TIME!! or it's mad humid, and it frizzes up. or it snows. whatever the season calls for. I know you think i'm ODin', but it really is every time.

So, the night before last, i was tired of my hair being in the state it was (just about completely natural, with the exception with the front), so I pressed it out. took me like 2 hours, cuz I get a big head of thick...THICK hair. finally get done around 2am, and tie it up and try to get some sleep b4 my 8 o clock class. How bout, the next day it was humid as HELL, and before I left bio, the shit was so big, I didn't think I'd fit through the damned door. But that's not the end of it.

I have a second class later in the day, and figured I'd just go to that class with big hair, and tie it down when I got home. I can usually do that and minimally touch up with the flat iron on humid days and it's straight by the next morning. Little did I know...

I left class around 4 and it looked like 7 or 8 outside. And it was raining. It was pretty moderate, so I hesitantly stepped down off the steps of Holmes Hall and into the Devil's dream...rain on my natural head. I thought maybe I'd have a little bit more than moderate touching up too do now, but oh well. I was on the phone with Knowledge, and jokingly said to him that this must be a sign from God to stop pressing my hair...all with the intention to do it anyway.

Got to Morgan View, which is the gated community that I live in, and as soon as I got to the back gate, I realized that I had left my my access card in my apt. Booooooo!!!! And then it starts POURING!! I mean, cats, dogs, fish, hammerhead sharks, pirates, turkey sammiches, starfoxes, everything on God's green Earth was raining down on my head Son!! And wind!! Wind that made the rain whip against my body like bullets from a machine gun. I called my roommate (thank God my phone's not water damaged) and told her to come save me.

By the time I got upstairs, my entire body was soaking wet. Needless to say, my hair was in shambles. Great Day.

I'm falling in love with The Writings On The Wall all over again!! The song I'm putting on this one is Destiny's Child featuring Next, "If You Leave Her" from that album. This was my SHIT, and RL sang his ass off!!! Anyway, I feel like If i can't somehow rid myself of these gay feelings I have for this damned dude that I'm feelin right now (wit his bitch ass), Imma be singing this shit with feeling and intent one day, instead of just singing along. Hopefully not...or let's at least hope he sings it back right? Anyway, I'll repost again sometime soon. Oh, and if i have what they call "lurkers", keep lurkin'. It makes me feel important. Or make urself known, that's cool too.

Playa please! Lyrically, cantchu see, BOBBY D. be flossin'...(lmao!!)

2008-06-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

(to the title): Not really though. I just thought it'd be a funny title. Actually, under the encouragement of my Bestest, I've elected to post some of my lyrics. Believe it or not, they've actually been getting better since I started. Yeah, I know. Anyway, the first one is the first ever recorded (yay!!) and the rest aren't in any order. I tried to add a little blurb about each one too...

Against the Wall:
Is about being broke. All your life. Seriously not having anything, and working to get to a place where your kids won't lead the life that you did, but feeling like you can't win for losing. like, you have to have money to make money. It's about inheriting financial ignorance and trying to teach YOURSELF financial independence. It's on my music page right now, but will soon be re-recorded and may feature a verse from Knowledge of the Union ( a sweet treat for those of you that follow Gray-Def.).

Hook: [chorus]

[Can’t win for losin’ our way/

Can’t earn ‘cuz another debt must be paid/]

That’s how it goes/livin’ life up against the wall

[Can’t seem to find another way out/

Can’t help but live our lives with fear, in doubt/]

‘Cuz all we know is life up against the wall

Verse 1:

Try to/imagine owning your own home/

When all mama ever taught you was to rent/

Try to/make sure you don’t end up in debt/

When before you get it, every penny’s spent/

Pre-chorus 1: [chorus]

[It’s crazy/the way we/ ]

We try so hard/to work and slave/to live our lives/another way

[And maybe/one day we/]

Will find out how/to earn and save/but not right now/’cuz baby we can’t win…

*HOOK*

Verse 2:

try to/ imagine a bright future/

when all of yesterday’s hard work pays off/

we are/ searchin oh so hard/

for respite, from rainy days, but I’m not lost, I will get thru this maze

Pre-chorus 2: [chorus]

[I’ll make it, if I can take it/]

but with student loans and credit cards, they know just how to make it hard/

[And maybe/one day we/]

Will find out how/to earn and save/but not right now/’cuz baby we can’t win…

This one's called "Loving Me"...wrote it recently, about how in the last relationship I was in, I loved him more than I loved myself. So it was no surprise then that he didn't love me. And boy did he show it! But if he had faked loving me, I'd probably still be with him, and still be in the state of mind I was in. And not loving myself like I have to in order to ever find and keep a healthy romantic relationship. Basically, because my ex is a son of a bitch, I got the chance to examine myself and discover where I needed to go personally to be the best me I can. In the process of doing that now. This song is thanking him for that. This one will definitely feature a verse from Knowledge...as soon as his punk ass writes it. slacker.

Hook:

So many times I tried to warn you/

Tell you that you were losing me/

But you lied/ you pushed/

And I died inside for you/

Felt no love was left in me…/

So I thank you for not trying/

The me I was I wouldn’t have seen/

Sleepless nights and endless crying/

Because it took the old me dying/

Now I’m content with loving me/

Verse 1:

Thank you for not loving me/ (foreground)

I wouldn’t have had the time to grow/ (background)

Thank you for judging me/ (foreground)

This sense of self I would not know/ (background)

Thank you for the “not so kind” words/ (foreground)

Because now I know what to say/ (background)

Thank you for losing me/ (foreground)

Thank you for pushing me away (baby)/ (foreground)

First half of hook:

So many times I tried to warn you/

Tell you that you were losing me/

But you lied/ you pushed/

And I died inside for you/

Felt no love was left in me…/

Verse 2:

I’ve found someone who loves me/there’s no doubt

I’ve found a love that I can’t/do without

Loves me for all of me/and

My inconsistencies/I

May introduce you to her…

She loved you once before/but things have changed

She loves me now there’s nothing/you can say

I’m happy loving her/she

Loves every part of me/she

Loves Unconditionally

I’m finally in love with me

Second half of hook:

So I thank you for not trying/

The me I was I wouldn’t have seen/

Sleepless nights and endless crying/

Because it took the old me dying/

Now I’m content with loving me/

*Knowledge Verse*(2:44-3:24)

(Repeat til end):

Thank you for not loving me…

This next one is the latest one, and it's not finished yet. Just a verse and a hook. It's about how gangsta I am when i'm feelin' some one at a certain level...holdin' 'em down no matter what. Or at least what I try to be. It's to a beat form Nick Fury called "love Bites", but as of now, the tentative title of the song is "I'm Yours".

Verse 1:

I’m your/

Sun through the clouds in the sky

I’m the answer to all of the/

Questions when/

You wonder/

Why/I’m the/

Calm to your rolling sea/

I’m your pillow my/

Ba-by/

Ev-er-y night when you/

Re-each for me

Hook:

(Cuz’/baby I’m yours/)

I’ll be all that you’ll ever need/

You’ll never have to want for anything/

I’m your show I’m the lead/

I’m your team’s MVP

(I’m yours)/

I’m the song that you always sing/

And baby to you joy I’ll always bring/

And I’m holdin’ you down/

Without question or doubt/

(Cuz’/baby I’m yours/)

This is the first song I wrote and didnt have the immediate urge to burn. It's called "Dear Jill"...It's a letter to Jill Scott and Ella Fitzgerald about how If I could meet them, I would pick their brains about how they do what they do, and somehow how I could be as ill as they are. my bestest says he beats off to it...he's crazy. Most proud of this clearly because It was my first, but it wont be recorded for a while because I have to compose it. It's not on sone hip hop shit, just some strings, a piano, light percussion, and ME!! Can't wait to get it down though, I love singing it.

Verse:

I've got these candles lit/

But nothing comes to mind/

softly your music plays/

but I can't seem to find/

The way/to convey,/how to say

"This is me", "this is me"...

Turned out the lights just so/

I could think as I sat/

Twenty-one year "writer's block"/

Can you imagine that?

Hook 1:

If I could talk to you/

I'd surely ask how to/

Show all the world ME through/

This Pen & Pad

Take lots of notes from you/

If you could teach me to/

show all the world ME through/

This Pen and Pad...

Verse:

I’m drinking tea and such/

Study your songs with zeal/

To duplicate the way/

That your voice makes me feel

And take/ pain away,/sooth heartaches

Like you do for me…

If we could meet one day/

I’d ask you where it’s from/

The magic in your voice/

you’d show me how its done/

Sing things/ I feel and see/and honestly/

Say “this is me”…

“This is me”

Hook 2:

If I could talk to you/

I'd surely ask how to/

Show all the world ME through/

This voice I have

Take lots of notes from you/

If you could teach me to/

show all the world ME through/

This voice I have...

Yeah, so keep your ear to the streets (or my music page, whatever) for new stuff being recorded. There's more in the works and even more I haven't thought of yet. This year will be progressive I predict. Lemme know what you think by commenting please.

My second opinion editorial...

2008-05-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

When We’re All Gone: The Devastation of HIV/AIDS on Black Women

May 7, 2008

BALTIMORE, Md.—AIDS is the leading cause of death for all black women, ages 25-34. If that doesn’t snag your attention, how about this: According to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), as 12% of the female population in the United States, we make up 66% of all documented AIDS cases.

It’s hard to hear, but vital to our existence to know. Unfortunately, many of us do not. HIV/AIDS is disproportionately affecting black women because of a basic ignorance in regard to prevention methods and how the virus is contracted, gender/power roles, men on the “down low” and physical, societal and economical elements that make black women more susceptible to the affects of this disease.

Women are already more likely to contract STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases), including HIV, for certain physical and biological reasons. First, women more potentially infected fluids during sex as men do, and have a larger surface are (vagina and uterus) to become infected during sex. Also, pre-existing STD’s make the body more susceptible to HIV infection, and more often then not, women show no symptoms of STD’s.

Honestly, I had no idea the numbers were that staggering. But the CDC also says that black women are 23 times more likely to contract AIDS than white women, with the leading cause of infection being heterosexual sex.

“People still think it’s a ‘gay disease’, but it’s not,” says Stephanie English, an LPN at Oceana Adult Care Facility in Oceana, NJ. “We see more women than men coming in here, unable to take care of themselves because of the toll that the disease [AIDS] had taken on their bodies. It’s heartbreaking.”

English adds, “They’re almost always black too. I think in the six years I’ve been an LPN, I’ve only taken care of maybe four or five white AIDS patients, out of like 50 or more AIDS patients altogether.” As shocking as it seems, English is not too far off. Of all the AIDS diagnoses made between 1997 and 2004, only 66% of blacks diagnosed survived past 9 years, as opposed to 75% of whites that survived (CDC).

But why is AIDS affecting black women so much more drastically than everyone else? Because in part because of the fear of discussing sex in the black household. “We never talked about sex at home,” says Christine Brown, a 21 year old Delaware State student and single parent. “My mother was very religious…all we ever heard was to not do it or we’d go to Hell. I feel like if I hadn’t been forced to learn about sex from experience and my peers, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant.”

Brown admits, “I had unprotected sex more often than not so I thank God that I was never infected. But hearing the numbers makes me want to cry…It certainly could’ve been me.”

Young black women seem to be vastly unaware of ways to prevent HIV, or afraid to choose their own life over their man’s sexual desires. When asked why she had unprotected sex, Brown responded with, “One thing I learned in dealing with boys is that what you won’t do, someone other female will. It’s like, in order to keep your man around, you have to be willing to give him what he wants.”

Some of these women and girls justify the behavior that Brown describes with the fact that they consider themselves in monogamous, committed relationships. But lades, that certainly doesn’t mean that you’re partner is doing the same. Recent studies show that 34 percent of black males have 15 or more lifetime female sex partners (National Survey of Family Growth).

With numbers like these, some think marriage is the only way to have safe, unprotected sex. But that has proven to be untrue as well, with the recent rash of “down low brothas” a term that describes men in monogamous committed relationships with women that secretly also have sex with men.

As of 2005, male-to-male sexual contact was the highest risk among 48% of black me infected with AIDS, while heterosexual contact remains the main risk factor for women infected with HIV/AIDS (CDC). Men who have sex with men who don’t disclose their sexuality to their female partners are not at higher risk of contracting HIV than are men who are “out”. But they certainly put black women at much higher risk.

There are those that argue that the reported “down low” epidemic is not the main cause of high rates of HIV infection in black women. Mehret Mandefro, MD., A Harvard graduate and native of Washington, DC has dedicated the bulk of her medical career to uncovering the elements that contribute to the unbalanced effects of AIDS on inner city black communities; namely its devastating effects on black women.

Dr. Mandenfro argues that there are much more pressing issues that contribute significantly to high HIV infection rates in black women, including unbalanced incarceration rates for blacks.

“Do we consider what impact this has on communities and relationships? Then we ask why HIV is what it is. We’ll talk about men ‘living on the down low’, but not about the connection between incarceration and HIV. I’m mad that this is not discussed.” She states in the July 2007 edition of Body & Soul magazine.

And there is much evidence to support Dr. Mandefro’s argument. Approximately 63 percent of prisoners in the United States are black or Hispanic, although these two groups are only 25 percent of the U.S. population altogether. With a lack of access to condoms leading unprotected prison sex, survival sex in prison, rape and gang rape in prison and the concentration of AIDS cases in prison being six times greater than that of the general population (AIDS Action. Incarcerated Populations and HIV/AIDS. [Policy Facts] Washington, DC: Author, 2001.), it is very likely that a released black male prisoner will come home and infect members of his community.

With 17 percent of people living with HIV or AIDS having spent time in prison, and the low probability of black men admitting to homosexual interactions or rape in prison, Dr. Mandefro’s argument is dead on.

Economic woes are also a contributing factor to the rates of AIDS in black women. “Survival sex”, or the exchange of sex or sexual favors for necessary goods and services (including drugs for addicts and companionship for the emotionally damaged) is another trend that is plaguing the black community. This also ties in with Dr. Mandefro’s theory about disproportionate incarceration rates among blacks being a main contributing factor, as many of the women in prison are there for prostitution. Black women are currently also the highest demographic in the prison system, with black women being six times more likely to be incarcerated than white women.

Survival sex also includes forced sex, inside and outside of relationships. This is due to an overly masculine persona that some black males feel they have to carry, caused by the constant emasculation in society outside of their communities.

Another economic issue of importance is the lack of health care available to blacks in America. According to a 2003 report entitled, Income, Poverty, & Health Insurance Coverage in the United States, close to 20 percent of blacks in America were uninsured. This makes it very difficult for poor black women to receive regular check ups, get routine STD testing and be treated for STD’s. It has also been shown that young people without healthcare have significantly less access to information on HIV/AIDS.

With all of these factors that make it seem inevitable to contract HIV as black women, the only true way to protect ourselves and prevent the spreading of this epidemic is to be aware and use condoms properly, every time.

“It’s very scary, living with AIDS,” says an anonymous Delaware State University student (“Mickey”) who contracted HIV through promiscuous, unprotected sex at age 18. “You have so many plans for your life,” she continues, “and they’re over instantly. You can’t have kids, because you don’t want them to get it, no dudes will be with you because once you tell them your status, they’re running.”

“Mickey’s” HIV has already developed into full blown AIDS in just 3 years because of her lack of health insurance and inability to afford treatment. “I don’t even want to get up sometimes…It sucks because I know I killed myself, for real,” she concludes.

It is my hope that after reading this piece, hearing stories like “Mickey’s”, hearing inspirational people like Dr. Mandefro speak on the subject, or any other form of awareness, that black women will be proactive, and take control over their lives, and through that action, stop this deadly disease that is rippling through our community in its tracks.

Absence makes the heart grow...awww, eff that shit!! This sux!!

2008-05-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

Hey all.

I was so proud to watch my Bestest walk across the stage on Sunday...it's so great to see a black man official get his education, and he's certainly making moves. Great, high paying job, and he just started giving more time to his music, which i love to see. (It was sad to me that he had to neglect it so much in pursuit of his degree). But anyway, despite all this joy in his success, I still feel a bit sad that he's leaving. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and whatnot, but i feel like lately he doesn't really wanna talk to me. Like, maybe he's over all the fun and madness of the past year of being the closest person to me. I have to admit, I do give him a lot (I'll explain why at some point), and i guess I can be pretty annoying. I feel like he's already gone i guess. Everyone thinks i'm extra and dramatic, but this is really hard for me. I really don't do well with people leaving. Hopefully we actually will stay close, because I really do care about him and value what he is in my life. Alright, enough of this shit. No more tears.

So on the music front, I've gotten to the point where i can say that (besides external contributions...KNOWLEDGE...) I've finished 3 songs!! That's exciting right? Yeah, i know!! I let one of my roommates/LS listen to some of it and she was very impressed. I think it's that she's easily impressed in general, but she woulda said if she thought it was crap. My mentors/producers/managers/label mates, Da Vinci and Knowledge are very encouraging when it comes to my stuff. I think Da Vinci is more impressed with me than Knowledge is, cuz he's a punk. he just doesn't really get excited about much of anything except food, video games, and bitches. Seriously though, I don't know why it is. Maybe he honestly doesn't think I'm as good as Da Vinci does. Who knows. I'm excited that i hear that the two of them plan to release another Heatwave Project this summer. I loved the first one (it banged loud in my little blue pontiac all last summer) and i think this one will be as great. Through Knowledge, we've found a new, great place to record, and these niggaz also make some great beats. They're actually musicians too, as opposed to just producers, so I'm hoping that once I forge a relationship with them (which kinda intimidates me) I can start to get some beats besides super hip hop beats and mad popish, synthesized stuff. Not that that stuff's all bad, but I'm a different type of artist. That's the only way I care to explain it. I'm getting more and more confident with my writing with each project, so hopefully things will continue in this direction.

In other news, I just found out that someone from Blackcollegewire.com read one of my articles in the Morgan's paper, the Spokesman, and decided to include it on the website. Yay!!! Hopefully I can get outta undergrad sometime soon, and get into and start the journalism program at Temple as planned. Hopefully...

Speaking of graduating, found out that i passed a class that I needed to graduate on time, and me and my Bestest went bowling to celebrate. Needless to say, I whooped his ass. lol!! He may say different, but that's because he's a dirty liar. Now all I need to do is test out of 2 class piano classes at the beginning of the fall semester, take summer classes (as many credits as possible to lighten the load next year) and winter classes for the same reason, take and pass all my classes during the fall and spring semesters, take the senior comp, the speech exam, and the writing exam, and...i think that''s it. Feasible right? I can do it all next year...as long as money and time don't escape me. I can do it. And then...I'll graduate too!! Yay!!

On the niggaz front...they still ain't shit. Haven't talked to the ex in about a month...and don't really care. He's so wack. Now to get all the anger and resentment outta me from that situation so i can be normal again. maybe then I'll be able to get AND KEEP a decent guy's attention without having to have sex with him. That's the dream. All I really want is a boo luv. don't want anything more right now. Probably not for a long while. a long, long while. I'm not really a girl that enjoys the single life, but honestly, I don't wanna have to deal with another insecure, stupid boy that doesn't trust me or appreciate me. When I'm ready to take that on again, that's when I'll be ready to be in a relationship again. Miss the good parts of it though...the boo luvin, the sex on the regular, the companionship, THE PRESENTS, (lol), the boo luvin', and i guess i just would like to be liked. And did i say boo luvin'?? I did? oh, ok. Yeah, i really love boo luvin'. Anyway, I can say i miss being liked because in the beginning of our relationship, my ex really did like me (I swear he did!!) and showed it consistently. And I miss that about being with someone. I like "the newness" too...the getting to know one another and subconsciously tryna impress each other. It's fun. There's a Musiq song that describes exactly what I mean when I say th"the newness". Oh well, need to focus for now anyway, so hopefully when I'm ready for it, it'll finally happen.

Ok, this is turning into a book, so I'll update yoiu later on other stuff. And I need to do an insightful blog too. And imma post another editorial or something. gotta learn you monkeys. lmao!! And I've decided that imma bite off of Charles and Tuck and post an old school video every now and then too. Today I'm feelin' "breakin' my heart" by Mint Condition. If you're with me and you want the drawz, put this shit on and they'll be off immediately. lmao!! Seriously though, Mint Condition is the shit.

Peace.

I've Been MOLLIWOPPED!!!B

2008-04-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

Ok...I've been tagged. By that whack nigga Da Vinci. Can't list anything about myself that isn't important or interesting though...cuz everything about me is important AND interesting!! Ok, ok, Here are the rules...

1. Link the person who tagged you…
2. Mention the rules in your blog…
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

And now, MY LIST!!

1.) I DON'T LIKE ODD NUMBERS...
Unless they're multiples of five. I know, I'm crazy. Whatever. Eat me. If the TV volume's on 33, that doesn't work. 32, 34, or 35 is fine. But 33, that's a no-go. that's not that bad right??

2.) I HAVE AN ORAL FIXATION...
no really, I do. "PAUSE" on everything I'm bout to say: I literally can't go more than like 20 minutes without something in my mouth...candy, gum, my fingers, pen lids, whatever. gum is my drug of choice though. I go through an 18 pack in less than two days; I don't like it when it loses flavor.

3.) I'M RIDICULOUSLY CLUMSY/FORGETFUL...
I trip over my own feet at least once a day. I drop something at least four times a day. I run into, doors, walls, tables, you name it. I forget where I put things, and all out lose things once a day at least. I rip my room apart looking for sunglasses that are on my head or my phone that's in my pocket. I'm always leaving something behind (Sorry Kitten). I forget to turn in homework assignments that i did on time. That's why I hate when teachers make us wait til the end of class to turn shit in.

4.) I LOVE MUSTARD...
Mustard is that piff Son!! I love it on almost all meat. I like hot dogs with mustard and no ketchup. Big ups to my bestest for puttin' me on...

5.) I'M INSECURE ABOUT MY ASS...
It's not big. at all. It's barely there. I'm a pretty secure person. In fact, that's one of 3 complaints i have about myself physically. and that's very little for a girl. Anyway, It didn't exist for most of my life, but now i got a little "put put" comin' in. I want it to be bigger though. Not "Eeegads!! Is her ass pregnant?!" big, just, "you could sit a small wine glass or teacup on that" big. Is that too much to ask Lawd?? lol!!

6.) I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES...
I guess I had to put a deep one on here too. I don't necessarily wanna control other people, just their ability to affect the way I feel. And I wanna control things that I can't, like my life. I have this notion that whatever I want to happen, i can make happen, if I'm intelligent and resourceful enough to figure out how to make it work. My Bestest tells me that's crazy and that that's me tryna control life, when life is gonna give you what it wants. And to that I say, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Fooey!!" lol!! Workin' on it my nigga...

Don't know how to tag people yet...any help??

It's really cold in my room right now...

2008-04-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going crazy. I know why, and i don't know what to do about it. I swear Imma find a way to make it so that this shit doesn't happen anymore...this crazy shit. Can't write about it, can't talk about it. Can barely think about it. It's debilitating. No, I'm not depressed or crazy. Just had to get a little bit of it out. I think I see an end to it soon. But if It really is what I'm tryna tell myself it's not, then the change in circumstances may not even matter. Time for some music.
peace.

"It's bigger than religion..." Pt. II

2008-04-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

this is why I love ya'll first off. Kinda disappointed that wack nigga Ron didn't comment though...u suck nigga. Anyway, here's what I think (and this is bout to be a novel, so get ready):

Humdi Lila Allah Jehova
Yahweh Dios Ma'ad Jah
Rastafara fyah dance, sex, music, hip-hop

It's bigger than religion
hip-hop
it's bigger than my nigga
hip-hop
it's bigger than the government
(humdi luli lali lulo)
This one fa' Dilla, hip-hop...

I think she's def. sayin that hip hop is bigger than basically everything...religion, politics/the gov't, everything. It's bigger than my nigga"...you know, like "My nigga, don't get no bigga!!" I think it's sick how she names all these different religion's "God(s)"...and then puts hip hop at the end, as if it's a God as well (which I think it's becoming in it's commercialized form). Essentially, Hip Hop=money, and we all know money is bigger than God for a good number of people. But think about this...

First, keep in mind that Erykah Badu, as well as a good number of Hip Hop artists (Nas, Busta Rhymes, Wu Tang Clan, etc.) are what they call 5%-ers...a sect of the Muslim religion, specifically black Muslims...

we ain't..
dead said the children don't believe it
We just made ourselves invisible..
underwater, stove-top,
blue flame scientist come out with your scales up..
get baptized in the ocean of the hungry
(Humdi luli lalilulo, Humdi lulilalilu)

My niggas turn in to gods,
walls come tumblin...(aaahhh)...

the first part..."we ain't dead yet...invisible" is pretty self explainatory. If that's too abstract for you, you should just hang it up now.

"under water, stove-top, blue flame scientist come out with your scales up": I think it's a reference to drug dealers and a plea to them to stop what they're doin also, i think she was tryna say that they're killing the community as well as the name of hip hop...I also thought maybe it's her calling out mainstream emcees that don't live the lives that they claim they do (note that 5%-ers also call themselves 'scientists')...

"My niggas turn in to Gods, walls come tumblin": 5%-ers also believe that all black men are Gods (remember the scene from I think Belly, when DMX and Nas go back and forth calling each other God?? Yeah...that's what that was. I think it was Belly anyway, don't remember much of it...). I think it's like once they leave that dumb shit of drugs and gun toting alone they can transcend, and black men will turn into the Gods that they're suppose to be...then the walls of establishment will come down...

Told you
we aint dead yet
we been livin' through your internet
you don't have to believe everything you think
we've been programmed
wake up, we miss you.
they call you indigo, we call you Africa..
go get baptized in the ocean
of the people SAY
(Humdi luli lalulilo)
say reboot, refresh, restart..
fresh page,
new day,
o.g.'s,
new key...

Arien, I think you were pretty much right on with this one:

"Real hip-hop ain't dead, in fact underground music is thriving on the internet nowadays. Think for yourself, we miss the real you. They(the ones who programmed you) call you a dark color, but we connect you to Africa. Become a new creature, one with your people. Restart your life, embrace the internet(reboot). A new day will come where those who were gangstas(the bad part of the hip-hop spectrum) will sing new songs."

I think the "go get baptized in the ocean of the people say" part is asking hip hop to become the voice of our communities, our race again, like it was in it's origins and pretty much up until now. I kinda think the "O.G.'s, new key" part was more that the influence of the "o.g.'s" of hip hop will create a "new key" and what we call hip hop now will be made of new songs. Pretty close to what you were thinking though.

And Tuck, i couldn't have said it any better myself when thinking about an alternative meaning to the one I just noted:

"I remember when she was on 106 & Park and she was saying how she was able to do part 1 and 2 of her album via her computer and was amazed at technology and her son had to teach her how to use it lol.
I think this in a sense is her reference to how hip hop is no longer just for artist on labels and have money and fame but virtually for anyone who has a voice, everyday people who are not pressured to go mainstream by labels, and have the ability to be real with themselves."

...And you know she was talkin' 'bout Me (Bobby D.), Knowledge and Da Vinci right? Lmao!!
Yeah, I love this song, I love Erykah, I love ya'll. And h, right now I'm beside myself over Roxanne Shante. You know how you have "rediscovery" days where you reach in the "archives" and find music that for some stupid reason you haven't listened to in ages?? Yeah, I had a "Roxanne Shante Rediscovery" day...maybe I'll blog about it later.

"It's bigger than religion..."

2008-04-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

These are the lyrics to "the healer" on Erykah Badu's new CD, New Amerykah pt. I (4th World War). First off, if you're not up on it, i hate you. I personally feel like this is the best and most important song of the whole album (part one at least) and I think everyone needs to hear it and understand it. I kinda wanna try and have a small bloggy-type dialog about what you think it means. Do you agree?? Do you disagree?? Let's rap about it...that's what she wrote it for, to generate conversation and more...here are the lyrics. If you've never heard it, please get it from somewhere...

Humdi Lila Allah Jehova
Yahweh Dios Ma'ad Jah
Rastafara fyah dance, sex, music, hip-hop

It's bigger than religion
hip-hop
it's bigger than my nigga
hip-hop
it's bigger than the government
(humdi luli lali lulo)
This one fa' Dilla, hip-hop...

(humdi luli la, humdi luli la lilulo, humdi lulila humdi lulilaaa...)

we ain't..
dead said the children don't believe it
We just made ourselves invisible..
underwater, stove-top,
blue flame scientist come out with your scales up..
get baptized in the ocean of the hungry
(Humdi luli lalilulo, Humdi lulilalilu)

My niggas turn in to gods,
walls come tumblin...(aaahhh)

Chorus
Humdi lila Allah jehova
yahweh dios ma'ad jah
Rastafara fyah dance,
sex, music, hip-hop
It's bigger than religion
hip-hop
it's bigger than my niggas
hip-hop
it's bigger than the government
(humdi luli lali lulo)
This one is the healer, hip-hop...

(humdi luli la, humdi lulilalilulo, humdi lulila, humdi lulilaaaa)

Told you
we aint dead yet
we been livin' through your internet
you don't have to believe everything you think
we've been programmed
wake up, we miss you.
they call you indigo, we call you Africa..
go get baptized in the ocean
of the people SAY
(Humdi luli lalulilo)
say reboot, refresh, restart..
fresh page,
new day,
o.g.'s,
new key...

Erykah Badu songs | The Healer lyrics

Please excuse me, I'm menstruating...

2008-04-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

It really sucks to not feel like you're considered a pretty girl. And it's usually when I'm "under monthly construction". I can count how many times I've felt like this in this last 3 months on one hand. Maybe a couple extra fingers. Anyway, notice I said "not considered a pretty girl"...I think I'm beautiful. I appreciate everything about me, although of course there are things that I could do with or without (like about 20lbs and this ear "situation" I'm going through right now for starters). But I'm also aware of the fact that most people I meet don't agree. I'm a pretty secure person, but sometimes it's hard to fight thoughts of insecurity because of what other people think. I wish I was a "pretty girl" sometimes...(it's quoted for a reason). I was wondering why it's so awkward and uncomfortable when I hear that I'm beautiful from anyone besides family. I temporarily resolved that it's because I simply don't hear it that often from anyone, so it's foreign to my ears and I still haven't really had a chance to learn how to react to it. But now I kinda feel like it's more likely because people that say it to me really don't mean it. I can't remember anyone outside of my family telling me I was pretty or beautiful and treating me like they really thought it was true. I really can't recall too many times that I've heard it from anyone period besides my Bunny (twin sister). But I'm digressing.

Anyway, I understand everyone having there own preferences. But I don't even think those that "prefer" me or my "type" even consider me pretty or beautiful. I just really don't have any evidence to the contrary. Trust me, I've racked my brain for a little bit of something that could prove me wrong, but I really can't think of anyone or any instances that I can refer to. Note that I definitely DO NOT consider a nigga having sex with me or expressing interest in me sexually evidence that someone considers me a pretty girl. That would just be dumb. Niggaz ain't shit, and most would have sex with anything with a hole in it. I guess I'm just kinda tired of always having to tell myself that I'm Beautiful so that I can stay as secure as I am. But I guess I wouldn't have it any other way...wouldn't be good to depend on someone's else's opinion and approval to validate myself in anyway.

**I hate being "on"...besides being INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE physically, it makes my thoughts more irrational than normal and it makes me uber emotional.** But I still think there's some truth to what I've said. Just sux.

Lemme give a little bit of what sparked this (besides Aunt Flo's punk ass). I've been thinking a lot about my friend graduating this year, and me graduating next year, and how much I really am alone in certain respects. We both have plans on relocation after graduation and fortunately I get to watch him go through it before I have to. But all that I'm really getting from it is that I really am on my own. He has his parents to help with that, and graduation in general, and really everything he needs them for. I don't. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I get weary from "the fight" and i just gotta let those thoughts in. When I call my Mom for advice or money, or really anything else the phrase she's most likely to utter is "I don't know what to tell you Mary." As you can imagine, that doesn't really do anything but remind me that she can't help me with anything, for whatever reason. I love her with all my heart, but just with some of the things I went through when I was younger, she's really left me to fend for myself. And don't get me wrong, a lot of times she'd like to help. Matter of fact, most of the time. She doesn't really have the means financially or emotionally to help me out that much.

Now to relate that to the original topic...I keep myself awesome. I keep myself secure. And it's not always easy by any means. Sometimes i just feel like resting, but there's no room to rest cuz there's no one to pick the ball up if I drop it or decide I'm tired of holding it and wanna put it down for a little while. Should I ever be able to make someone wanna marry me, I'll look to my husband for that kinda support. No one now though. It would be his job I think, but it's not anyone's job now. and there sure ain't any volunteers. So until/if then, "I'm beautiful 'cause I'm me." (repeats over and over internally)...

Sorry AK, no happy blogs right now, going through some things my nigga. lol!!

Tellin' "The Business"...

2008-04-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Ok...lemme just start by saying that "friends" are overrated FOR REAL!! with that said, imma get into updating you 3 or 4 niggaz that read my blog on "the business". I guess its befitting to start in the "friends" department...
********************************
Friends: EFF MY FRIENDS!! Most of these niggaz are not my friends and its a damned shame. There are a lot of people that i'm a friend to that aren't friends to me. And i know that that's kinda my own fault, but that shit's 'bout to cease immediately. Most recently I've been kinda sad about the fact that next year there's a very good possibility that I'll have no one here in Baltimore that I feel like I can trust. One of the closest people to me, my nigga Ron, moved back to Jersey last year. I kinda felt some type way at first...abandoned almost. Cuz i feel like he knows how important his friendship is to me and he just up and left like a week after telling us (me and Arien) that he didn't plan on coming back to Morgan. Bitch. lmao!! I was ok after a while though. Arien and I were getting to know each other when ron left, and he ended up becoming a really great friend. One of the best I've had. So it kinda made Ron's leaving easier to deal with. Now it's time for Arien to graduate and he's goin' to Philly like 2 days after graduation (not literally, but that's how it feels). So I'm feeling those feelings again. The bad part is that I don't have someone to make it easier to deal with this time. They'll both be gone now, and as this year has proven, i really don't have any other friends down here like them. This shit is depressing. I can't really talk to them about it b/c i feel like a punk and it's weird being all sappy and shit. But I'm really gonna miss them and have a hard time dealing for while after they both leave me Down here. (sniffles).
**************************
Anyway, I lost another friend...well almost friend recently. This chick that's terribly insecure that I probably shouldn't have been dealing to much any way b/c misery breeds misery and i'm sure not tryna be miserable. Anyway, she's had her share of shitty guys and we were able to have good convos on a lot of things including niggaz, journalism and just our goals in general. The dude I'm feelin' is also friends with the two of us (he's known her longer, but is VERY CLEARLY closer to me). she knows that I have feelings for him (that aren't going away the way I'd like them too...quickly and totally...they're lingering and fighting and shit. stupid feelings.) and she knows that he knows how i feel. There are more details to our relationship that I don't think she knows, but I can't say 100% because i honestly don't remember all of our convos). I'm pretty sure that's all that i've shared with her about him and me. Anyway, knowing all of that, It seems as though she's made the decision to be sneaky and backstabbing and break "the code" by tryna pursue him herself. We (he and I) knew she liked him, but I honestly didnt think anything of it because I didnt expect shit like this to come up. At least not with her insecure ass. Anyway, after a series of late night texts and tryna hang out with him alone (and making that clear), it's pretty much confirmed that she's tryin it. Here's a little info about her:
****************************
*She's a pretty ok girl...intellectual, driven, and has an overall sweet demeanor. But she has some hygiene issues. Like, sometimes it's like a dirty diaper mixed with like...menstruation or something. Some underarm issues sometimes too. She may have yeast infection issues. That'll do it to you every time, although I've never experienced it myself. Who knows, maybe she just takes lazy showers. in which case, YUCK.
***********************************
*she just recently ended a situation with a shitty guy who clearly had her on jump-off status. Like she would "spend the night" with his ass, and he would walk past her the next day and not speak. AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! I'm sorry, i just think that's crazy. Anyway due to some self image issues that she has coupled with the way he treated her and the guy b4, her self esteem is like in Hell it's so low.
***********************************
*I don't think she's that bad looking of a girl naturally, although she's certainly no beauty queen in my opinion. But she doesn't know how to dress her body type and makes really bad choices with her hair sometimes. She's a bigger girl (especially on the bottom half) and her top half isn't in the best shape either.
But I don't think that any of the natural thins about her are a problem. Lemme repeat that: I DONT THINK ANY OF THE NATURAL THINS ABOUT HER ARE A PROBLEM. I'm mentioning them because she wears extra schmedium shirts that just barely meet the waist of her pants (baring midriff a lot of times), pants that are way WAY too tight (giving muffin top, VPL, and probably doesn't help that B.O. situation either). And Chinese slippers?!?!?! I'm sorry, but Chinese slippers are done. DONE. And I'm pretty much against anyone using synthetic hair in their head and not braiding it all the way through...it's just a bad idea. So you see, she's no me by any means. I'm not a small girl (not a "big girl" either) but i don't have too many problems with the way I look. I also smell like heaven. I get lazy with my hair sometimes, but I don't think it ever looks bad. I dress for my body...my shape size and height (besides over-sized sweatpants days, hehe!!). And I don't dress bad. I'm dressing within my financial means right now, but once the dough starts rollin' in, I'll know what to do to make sure I look great. She doesn't. I say all this to say she's not a threat to me. I'm not upset about this because I feel threatened. My trust has been betrayed I feel. I was just starting to give this girl my trust as a friend, and to know that I've been "got" again is frustrating and it hurts my feelings. That's enough about that.
********************************
Niggaz: I'm still kinda bent over this same guy. It's finally going away though!! YAY!! Right now i'm kinda in the "I wanna slap you every time I see you, and then hug you, and kiss you, and love you, and squeeze you" stage...which isn't all that good, but once this stage passes I'll know that I'm well on my way to not being in my feelings about him anymore. He's just such a good guy. Pretty selfish, a bit moody, not always very understanding, though he tries not to be that way. And he's great despite all that anyway. Still tryna let go of the anger and resentment towards my ex that made it impossible for me to move into anything with the guy from above, but that shit is very hard. He was here yesterday, and expected that he would be able to have sex with me after all that's happened between us, which are insults to my intelligence and my sense of self worth if you ask me. I'm starting to be less angry and feel sorry for him more now though. I mean, I'd freak out and act a fool if I lost me too. A couple of alias niggaz have been tryna get at me and take me out recently, but they're certainly not for me. I'll elaborate some other time though...It makes me tired talkin' about the crazies.
********************************
Oh yeah, and Fuck Conway!! School: I'm tryin to graduate next May, but it's gonna be really hard (I have 57 credits left). It can be done, as long as I have the funds, time, and can focus the way I need to between right now and next May. I'm kinda nervous about it because I really don't wanna be here for more than another year. I'm SO OVER the music dept. here, or more specifically, Eric Conway and this pain in the ass choir. He's such a Tool, I can't stand it. The sight of him, the sound of his voice...(sighs). I wanna go to Temple for grad to get my masters in journalism, but I'm afraid I can't do it all...get in, pass the GRE's, relocate myself, and balance the school/work load if I can make it happen. That's why I need these two niggaz too be here next year (Ron and Arien). Bums.

i wanna fill you in about the music shit too, but i'm tired of typing, and there's a lot to say anyway. so I'll do another blog a little later.

**Oh yeah, fuck that freshman bitch that shit on my man too...skank.**

**-Peace-**

So it seems that this just isn't gonna get any easier...

2008-03-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

I hate that I care so much about someone that has made it clear that he doesnt give a fluff about me in the same capacity. It hurts to wanna be something to someone that you're not, and to know that it's kinda your fault. And I hate comparing myself to people!!! But I can't help it. I always know more than people think I do or want me to, and always wish i hadn't found out what I know. Just too observant I suppose.
Anyway, I recorded my first song a couple of weeks ago. It's pretty much trash compared to how i heard it in my head, but I don't know what I can do about that. I guess it's alright for the first, but I definitely wanna do better from here on out. Didn't help that the aforemention woe provided significant distraction as I was recording it. I swear, this shit is affecting every part of my life. Got some other things in the works, that are really in the works because I can't focus enough to complete anything.
Decided that I have to stop arms-distancing people by being abrasive and mean to everybody. It's a lot harder tham it seems though. It's hard to trust people and have the natural expectations that I have without subconsciously tryna shut them down. It's really easy to control who can get at my feelings by not letting ANYONE get close enough to, but in exchange I feel alone and don't trust anybody.
Just wanna be happy, and get back to who I am. And generally I am happy, but very distracted.

I really didn't wanna blog about this, but I set myself up so that I don't have anyone to talk to about this except my cpu...

2008-02-27T14:47:00.000-08:00

I feel really embarrassed and sad and ashamed and all kinds of other synonyms for the words that I just listed. I wish I didn't care about anybody, and I'm gonna pray to God that he takes my feelings away. because I'd rather be dead inside than be heartbroken over and over again. It doesn't matter the reason or who was at fault, every romantic situation I've ever attempted to enter into has ended catastrophically for my heart and I simply can't take anymore. I am completely unwilling to settle for someone I don't want and the niggaz I do want don't want me. I've never felt more undesirable as a person (not physically) in my life. It's damned near impossible to be at all logical and feel completely physically unwanted, because an even somewhat rational mind knows that everyone is attractive to somebody. I'm a female with huge boobs and a relatively decent shape (sans the extra weight here and there, nothing outta control though). So It's natural that I can get someone to sleep with me. But to me, sex doesnt mean shit. I know niggaz don't value me physically or sexually so I don't place ANY stock in it. I can only imagine thinking more than nothing of sex with my husband. If that's even a realistic thought..."my husband".
I AM NOT CRAZY!!!!!!! and I don't appreciate being treated like and made to feel that I'm crazy because I care about things and things affect me. Or because I have a bad day sometimes and it makes me a little bitchy. If I have feelings for you and seem less than enthused about you dating another girl and giving her the attention that I never ever had the opportunity to experience (cuz you think I'm crazy) that's not me being crazy. That's me being human. Driving 600 miles in a diaper to kill your husband's mistress is crazy. Cutting off your husband's penis is crazy. drowning your kids in your station wagon my pushing it into a ravine is crazy. Emoting...being happy, sad, angry, depressed, frustrated, afraid, worried, cautious..and outwardly expressing those things is not crazy. Expecting that someone can go through repeated hurtful romantic situations and not be slightly off in terms of dealing with the next one is crazy.
You ever think that if the CONSTANT disrespect or completely being ignored and overlooked romantically weren't the only interaction that I have with men then i wouldn't be so "crazy"? Maybe I don't trust a nigga cuz niggaz can't be trusted. Maybe the depressing realization that there isn't a nigga interested in changing my mind and gaining my trust and bettering me as I bring the best out of them is what makes me "crazy". Maybe always being so optimistic and hoping for the best all the time is exhausting. Maybe i just can't hold the world on my shoulders alone anymore and i need someone to help me hold it up. Maybe I just want one person that I trust more than anyone and i can go to for ALL of my needs. You ever stop and just think about what it must be like to be me and know that EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE AND SOCIETY TODAY IS DESIGNED TO CONVINCE ME THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH? You ever think about how it must be to know you're own potential and immense worth, but also know that as sweet as people are to you in your face, no one else feels that way about you?
Hey, who knows, maybe if I had my dad in my life I wouldn't feel like every nigga was out to get me. Maybe If my step dad didn't hate me and make sure I knew it I wouldn't feel so empty without that male companionship. I don't know what it is that makes me ignore my inner voices that tell me to give up on niggaz and concentrate on me and tell me not to continue to pursue romantic situations with niggaz when i know that niggaz could give a FUCK about me, but I do it. I put my pride aside and question my own judgment and second guess myself and compare myself to bitches that clearly ain't fuckin with me and give all I can in the name of "romantic interest"...and always in vain. Maybe I am crazy. But if that's the case, you'll never meet a female that's sane. Cuz THE THINGS I GO THROUGH EVERY FEMALE GOES THROUGH AT SOME POINT. for most of their youth actually. So go ahead and miss out off the strength of some bitchassness that tells you that you'd rather miss out on an ill ass chick like me than actually give to/do for someone other than yourself. I'm not crazy. I'm overwhelmed. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I'm embarrassed. I feel undesirable. And hopeless. And no one will prove me wrong.

Valentine's Day...with your Ex?? Hmmm...confused?? Lemme help you out a little...

2008-02-11T20:05:00.000-08:00

Some past and present happenings (including currently reading "You Deserve Healthy Love, Sis!" by Dr. Grace Cornish) have inspired me to write this blog. First I wanna quote a passage from the aforementioned book:

"...when the million dollar question 'Can You be Friends With Your Ex?' was brought forth, Michael [Baisden] and i respectfully agreed to disagree after we discovered we were on opposite ends of the spectrum on this matter. He strongly believed that once the relationship is over, so should be the friendship. And I, on the other hand, strongly believe this only applicable in situations where there are still traces of romantic sparks. In those cases you are only fooling yourself that you are 'strictly friends'. However, in cases where both people have severed all romantic ties, have grown beyond their onetime love connection, and have matured enough to draw a clear line of demarcation between friendship and a love relationship, then certainly they can be casual and platonic friends."

Now take that in and let it marinate for a moment.

Ok. I wanted to address this once and never again because it's been weighing heavily on my mind and relates to multiple people in my life, and from both sides. So, I have to say that I completely agree with Dr. Cornish on this-here particular issue. Especially the "you are only fooling yourself" part. If you find yourself having to remind your ex of the "line of demarcation" over and over again, you're not friends. That includes your ex trying to sleep with you (and yes, I do mean sex) on occasion, demanding special "girlfriend/boyfriend" attention and treatment, buying gifts or what i'd like to refer to as bribes, or however subtly trying to spend old anniversaries and other loving holidays and special occasions with you. YOU'RE NOT FRIENDS. And you won't be until BOTH people (not just you, it doesn't work if you're the only one that considers you just friends) have severed all romantic ties (physically, emotionally, Physically, monetarily, PHYSICALLY...and however else). I understand fully now that I, unfortunately, am not friends with my ex. If you find that you may be in this predicament after reading this, STOP FOOLING YOURSELF. That's all that I have to say about it. Oh yeah, and uh, Happy Valentine's Day. I guess.

Did it again...

2008-01-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

The most recent nigga i've been "dealing with" never led me on, or used me, or anything like that. Certainly a much better guy than the one before him. I'm just disappointed because I let myself start to like him way more than I planned to originally, knowing that shit was gonna bite me in the ass. And once again, I've found myself in a situation where I care about someone that doesn't care for me in the same capacity. I hate it because the fact that this seems to be a pattern makes me feel undesirable, and hopeless in terms of actually finding someone who is as interested in me and cares as equally for me as I do for them. even though i know that shit isn't true, I'm a female, and sometimes can't block irrational thought from leaking into my brain.

This shit sux for real. I really hoped that this would turn out better for me than things have in the past, as far as feeling alone in my feelings for someone are concerned. Unfortunately they didn't. This is even a little bit worse I think, because this guy I definitely don't wanna lose. Also, coincidentally, there's a few other bitches that all felt for him significantly and from what I understand he didn't feel the same way and left them feeling like shit too. And I swore that i wasn't gonna be one of 'em. Kinda wanna fuck myself up right now.

I don't know, this may be hasty...me calling the situation as a loss already. But i feel like that's just how its gonna be for me. always. Hopefully I'm wrong.

My first opinion editorial...

2008-01-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

Opinion Editorial

Interracial Relationships

‘Single Black Female’

By Mary Fields

Monday, December 3, 2007

Baltimore, MD---As black women we have always had it the worst in terms of the images that portrait us in the media. We’re shown to the world as dumb, lazy, obese, gum popping, weave scratching, finger pointing, and neck rolling “Ashinkashays” who are perfectly content with six kids, six baby’s fathers, and an unhealthy dependence on that check from the state every month. Now we as intelligent black women know these things to not be true. But what happens when the few men left in our community internalize this negative imagery? They abandon us, their Queens, for white women.

Today’s Hip Hop lyrics prophesize it: “You know we keep that white girl, Christina Aguilera” Young Jeezy proclaims. “And when he get on, he’ll leave your ass for a white girl” Kanye West warns today’s marriageable black women about the hazards of expecting a black man to become and remain committed to us. The sad thing is that these rappers are not far off. Tyson Beckford, Taye Diggs, James Earl Jones, Quincy Jones Bryant Gumble (who left his black wife after 26 years for his white mistress) and most notoriously Wesley Snipes are just a few names of successful black men who have chosen to share their lives and successes with white women, and not the women holding their communities together, without their help.

In a country where blacks are still socially and economically unequal to whites and women are barely getting through society based on merit and not by sexuality, we’re born with a double deficit; being black and being a woman. On top of this, black men are dying to gang related, drug related and other senseless violence, and being incarcerated for extended periods of time for felonies at alarming rates. As of 2001, approximately two million black males were or had been incarcerated. It’s no surprise then that black women have the least amount of prospects of any other race in terms of marriageable men within the black race.

So then why is it that black males are marrying at a higher percentage than we are; we who vastly outnumber them? The answer is simple: black men prefer white women. I hate the way it sounds too at first and my gut reaction as a strong black woman is to defend my black “King”. But seemingly, the numbers don’t lie.

As of 2000, a study done by the U.S. Census Bureau found that while 36.1 percent of all black women are married, 42.8 percent of black men are married. How can this be when black women outnumber black men almost 3:1? Interracial marriage. The same study also found that as of 2000, black-white married couples numbered 363,000, about 24.7 percent of all U.S. marriages in that year. Now here’s the kicker; about 70 percent of those 363,000 black-white marriages consist of black men and white women. Most recently, the 2006 U.S. Census Bureau reported that 403,000 black white couples (nearly ¾ of all black white couples) were made up of black husbands and white wives.

“White women have been perpetuated as a prize, a symbol of elite status. Although this not true, black men (and I certainly cannot speak for all black men feel like ‘If a white girl’s checking for me, I’ve made it’. Also, a lot of times white women some fellows say is ‘easier’ than dating a sister who will expect too much of them and cause them to have to ‘work too hard’ for what they want.” says Dr. Jared Ball, Green party presidential candidate, Morgan state University professor, and product of a black-white marriage.

I tried in my adolescence to figure out what it means to make a man “work too hard” or for white woman to be “easier” than black women and modify my behavior accordingly. “A lot of times white women carry themselves better in the relationship…” explains Christina Spriggs, a 22 year old telemarketer who is in her first and only interracial relationship with a black male. She goes on to say, “We know how and when to shut up and act right in public; meaning we know to keep fights and conflict in the home and not handle things in front of people.”

“A lot of times white girls handle conflict better…”agrees 21 year old University of Delaware student and seasoned interracial dater Isaiah Mays. “ White girls tend to be more open and objective during a confrontation. They’re also more content with what you [black men] say and believe you when you’re telling the truth more often. Usually you can talk to them without having to yell.” Yeah…but you may wake up without your penis the next morning If your “well behaved” white woman takes a page from Loraina Bobbit’s book.

I then began to wonder about my chances of finding a marriageable black male at this wonderful HBCU I’m attending. This brewing pot of recent black culture and youth demonstrates the promise of young black minds; it also demonstrates the guarantee that an educated black woman probably won’t find a husband of the same caliber in her race. A 2004 study conducted by the American Council on Education found that of all black women between the ages of 18-24, 36.5 percent are attending college. Now compare that number to the 26.5 percent of black men between those ages that are currently attending college. So even if I try to find a suitable husband in college, the market is terribly one sided. And black male college students are definitely not exempt from the allure of a docile, and “non-confrontational” white woman.

So let’s really break it down. Why are black men choosing submissive, controllable white women instead of strong black Queens; women like their mothers and all of the other shining examples of black female---no, complete black strength while they were growing up? It is because of an internalized self hatred and the internalization of the imagery of the black woman as portrayed in main stream media outlets.

Shows like UPN’s Girlfriends depict black women as oversexed, bossy, degrading, high maintenance mouth pieces. And yes, while followers of the show will argue that “Joan”, the character played by Traci Ellis Ross (daughter of Diana Ross) is well educated, successful and seemingly on a path of positive self growth, she is also one of the lightest characters on the show. “Joan” happens to be weave-free, and a beautiful size 8 at the largest with exotic eyes and a pointed nose (seemingly taken after her real life white father).

“Toni Childs”, the bossy, egotistical, high maintenance gold digger of the bunch and the character most resembling a black woman (played by actress Golden Brooks) is the most loudmouthed, annoying, train wreck of a character on the show. And her mother, a reprised role for actress Jennifer Lewis is portrayed no differently. “…black women are so aggressive and seemingly testosterone driven that black men sometimes feel like they’re arguing with another man…a lot of men don’t feel like their manhood being challenged in every argument.” says Mays again, trying to give reason for black men abandoning the women of their race. He finishes with “A white woman will let you be the man in an argument.”

Let you be the man? My brothers, understand this: you should always feel like a man. But because of the fact that you live in a society that emasculates you on every opportunity, you find your masculinity in your gun toting, in your womanizing, and of course, you’re docile white women. What you forget is that the same black women that intimidate you are the ones that raised you---alone. That “aggression” that you find in black women is the strength of women watching their husbands, sons and brothers sold, beaten/murdered and locked up throughout history and still successfully raising that absent black man’s black man-child.

Meanwhile we keep it together in a society that tells us that If we’re bigger than a size 8, we’re the house mothers, the mammies of the world, and if we’re a size 8 or smaller, we’re “Superhead”, Melissa Ford, or just video girl #4 shaking and gyrating for a chance to be featured in the Ying Yang Twins’ new video. So forgive us if we seem a little threatened by men in general including our own, who tend to view us in the same misogynistic light that the rest of the world does, although from first hand experience, you should know better.

If docile is what you want---a woman who is willing to let you say and do what you want to her and sit quietly in agonizing silence, then by all means, have yourself a ball with “Becky” and “Kate”. Here’s what I’m going to do, and I suggest that as many of my sisters follow suit as soon as possible. Date white men! Marry white men! The lust of a white man for a black woman has not changed since slavery days when slave masters would leave their beds with their white wives and go trolling their slave quarters looking for young “nigger gals” to experience. Only now, there is the potential for seeing you as more than just a sex object if you are educated, strong, and have a stable sense of who you are to begin with. They will see as marriageable. And this goes for other races too. Men the world-over (other than black men) are realizing that the black woman is “where it’s at”.

And to my strong black men who do realize the high value of a strong black woman, Angie stone put it best in her hit “Black Brotha”, “I’m here for you, forever true because you’re my black brotha”. Thank you. And other black women are doing the same. In a Fox New report online entitled “More Black Women Marrying Other Races”, it was researched and reported that as 2006 there were 117,000 black wife-white husband couples, up from 95,000 just six years prior. There has also been a surge of black geared magazines and websites promoting this idea. 2005’s Something New featured actress Sanaa Lathan who after a life long struggle to find a good black man (educated, strong, successful family man) turns her attention to her hired help—her white landscaper.

There in also increasingly more online evidence of this trend, as can be seen in the marriage blog of Evie Moore featuring the widely popular article “Is Mr. Right Mr. White?”

But I still have hope and faith in my black King. I know he’s out there, educated and successful with only one thing he feels is missing from him life---me! That is, a strong, equally educated successful black woman to love and support him like our ancestors before us. Now it just depends on who gets to me first.#

WORKS CITED

Interracial Intimacy: The Regulation of Race and Romance, Rachel F. Moran

The U.S. Department of Census Report (2000)

www.jointcenter.org/DB/factsheet/interracial

www.foxnews.com/story and enter “More Black Women Marrying Other Races’ in search field

Jared Ball, Morgan State University Telecommunication Dept.-, freemixradio@gmail.com

Christina Spriggs, 302.650.0409

Isaiah Mays, University of Delaware, Newark Delaware, 302.584.4366, zaya@udel.edu

My first trend piece...

2008-01-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

'Everybody's Doing It'

By: Mary Fields

Wednesday, November 6, 2007

When I asked my mother about sex for the first time she said to me in the sternest voice "sex is for married adults. Don’t do it." And that was it. Then, in fifth grade I had my first sexual education class--- and found out that my mother was not giving the full story. The argument today is whether schools should teach Abstinence or sexual responsibility and awareness, but with recent trends in teen sexuality, the answer is pretty clear.

"Everybody's doing it" is the line most commonly used among teens when attempting to pressure there peers into doing something that may not be the best idea, most recently dealing with teenage sex and drug use. And these teens aren't too far off.

Each day close to 7,700 teens lose their virginity with the average age being 16.9 for boys and 17.4 for girls. As a result, a recent study by Guttmacher Institute in New York (1996) found that each year almost 750,000 teenage girls become pregnant between the ages of 15-19, leaving four in every ten young women to become pregnant before the age of 20. Seemingly, this number would most definitely decrease with the implementation of sex education in every school.

There are those that argue against sexual education and in favor of Abstinence in schools. Like Kerby Anderson, President of Probe Ministries International and author of Marriage, Family, and Sexuality. He says, "Sexual liberal elites have hijacked our culture by seizing control of two major arenas. The first is the entertainment media (television, radio, music, movies) and the second is the arena of sexual education (sex ed. classes and school based clinics). These two forces have transformed the social landscape of America and made promiscuity a virtue and virginity a 'problem' to be solved."

And in part, he is right. Teens are estimated to watch approximately 5 hours of television a day, meaning that they encounter an estimated 14,000 images of sexual encounters per day... on T.V. alone! (Anderson, Teen Sex Revolution.)

But while Mr. Anderson may be on the right track as far as the media's bombardment of teens with sexually explicit movies, songs, and television shows, statistics offer a different fact about the Abstinence vs. Sex Ed. argument. The Kaiser Family Foundation research report on teen sex found that 88 percent of teens surveyed who signed virginity pledges ended up having sex before marriage, despite their pledges.

So it's no surprise that 12 million U.S. teens are currently having sex; 11 million of those are not married. With alarming numbers of teens having sex and getting pregnant, not to mention one in four U.S. teens who are sexually active contracting an STD (Guttmacher), It is evident that teaching abstinence in public schools has been vastly ineffective. Abstinence-only programs handicap our kids by denying them a sense of sexual awareness and in essence, the opportunity to be sexually responsible.

There are those however, that share this same sentiment. In 2002 the Archdiocese of Baltimore implemented the National Coalition Against Censorship's new curriculum package, Sex and Young America. Also, nearly $13 billion has been spent on federal Title X family planning services (Kirby Anderson, Teen Sexual Revolution).

“I don’t even have any kids” says Morgan State University Infirmary receptionist Debbie Marshall. “But in terms of the things that I see here, I know that If you tell them no, they’re gonna do it anyway. I’d rather have them know how to do it safely and responsibly.”

With recent decreases in teenage pregnancies and STD cases, it seems that simply equipping teens with the tools and information needed to have safe, responsible sex while also emphasizing a moral code for decision making is the best way to keep our kids safe from STD's and unwanted pregnancies.#

Sources/Contacts:

Debbie Marshall, Morgan State University Infirmary

443.885.3236

U.S. Teenage Pregnancy Statistics

National and State Trends and Trends by Race and Ethnicity

Guttmacher Institute

September 1994, 1996, & 2006

The Teen Sexual Revolution

Kerby Anderson

1900 Firman Drive, Suite 100
Richardson, TX 75081
(972) 480-0240 FAX (972) 644-9664

A Statistical Portrait of Adolescent Sex, Contraception, and Child Bearing

National Campaign to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy,

Washington, DC, 1998

Sexandyoungamerica.com

Citizenslink.com/baltimorearchdiocese

Great day...

2007-11-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

I had a very good day yesterday. Did my part in support of The Union movement by taking Arien to rainbow music in Newark (DE) to drop off some more promotional CD's. I went to my house and he came with me...now ordinarily i don't take anybody to my house b/c that shit is embarrassing as fuck. But it went surprisingly well. And i actually feel really shitty for acting so ashamed of most of my family. not my stepdad though, he's like a canker sore. Anyway, i saw my Bffl Christine and more importantly my God daughter (her daughter) Ayira. she was actin' up at first, with the cryin and such, but her fat ass drank a bottle and was just as pleasant as she could be for the rest of the night. She seemed to enjoy Arien's company more than she did mine though, and i'm still not sure how i feel about that shit. lol!! Anyway, i saw my twin sister and we clowned for about an hour. It made me feel like i cant wait for her to start at Morgan, although i'm sure i'll be tired of her ass after a short while. Anyway, despite the waitress at waffle house annoying me and my step dad doing all that existing that he knows i hate, I HAD A GREAT DAY!!

What the hell do i want??

2007-10-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

I sometimes feel like i wish i were still with Zay, but only b/c i feel like our relationship (when it was healthy and thriving) was a lot easier than arguing with his ass everyday. I know i dont love him anymore and any other romantic feelings are very minute by now (which i thought would never happen at one time). I guess that was just for the sake of updating.

I just wanna go on a date!!!! I miss going on dates. I find a lot of fun in dates. And although technically i go on dates all the time, It's not really a date unless both people agree that they're dating (at that specific time). and then the guy's suppose to hold doors and try to impress me and shit. Whatever, I'm having a lady moment. please excuse me.

I think i just wanna be able to trust a nigga not to make me cry. Hahahahahahahaha, that's so sad!! When i say tat i mean trust him not to hurt me in a general sense. But i dont trust any of them. And right now it's to the point where i expect stupid shit and treat niggaz like culprits without them committing a crime.

For example, I have a very good friend who just happens to be 1/3 of the men that i actually respect in this life (the other two being our other friend and my Grandfather). He's a great guy, and honestly surprises me everyday with how different he and the other two are from what i've experienced as "Black Man" in the past. But i've marked him as a slore (slut/whore hybrid monster) and am really tryna convince myself that it's true, although i know its' not. and it's working!!

It's just my way of keeping "Niggaz ain't shit" consistent with real life. 'Cause if something happens to prove that theory wrong (like someone other than my pop-pop being trustworthy and being able to prove it) than my misfortune with men has to be blamed on something else. And the only other reason i can think of is that there's something wrong with me and not men. It's stupid, i know, but i'm a woman and thus irrational by default. For women being rational is a learned skill. And although i'm pretty good with it, i have yet to overcome the natural state of my mind---Insanity.

that's all i feel like typing right now.

What?? Hello!!! I am NOT my hair dammit!!

2007-10-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

It's ASTOUNDING how differently people treat you based on how you look. And this note is not because it surprises me. In fact, i expected it to some extent. what does surprise me is WHO i get "guff" from about it. Some of my closest friends hate it. And won't hesitate to constantly remind me that they hate it...even if its clear that it makes me happy. Like they don't know the person under the hair!! This is not a first impression. Even my mother asked me why i wanted to look like "Florida" (good times). And although i feel it looks nothing like that, my response was "why wouldn't i wanna look like Florida??" I'm not gonna spend this note lecturing my sisters about why natural is better. The fact of the matter is IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR!!!!
I'm more confident with my hair in a "fro" or a "bush" or "on my natural shit" (my cousin Anthony) then i am flat ironed, braided, or weaved down. because i know i don't look like i'm tryna accomplished a certain look...and in essence, be something i'm not. Don't get me effed up, I still plan to braid and flat iron and weave down my tresses as i so please. Because...I AM NOT MY HAIR. Go Heeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaadddddd India!!!! lol!!!

More to HBCU Homecomings than Football and Parties/ Introducing Evie

2007-10-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Entertainment

Fashion Fair/Evie

October 12, 2007

More to HBCU Homecomings than Football and Parties/ Introducing Evie

By: Mary Fields

Baltimore, MD --, Black women of all complexions, heights, sizes, and ages socialize in Alice Parham Ballroom at Morgan State University while the powerful R&B vocals of Howard graduate and vocal recording artist Evie play in the background on Friday during the Fashion Fair Cosmetics tour stop at the school for its annual Homecoming week.

“This event was a nice event to learn how to take care of your outer beauty as well as your inner beauty” said Leah Finklea, 20, and a junior at Morgan State.

The Fashion Fair focused on total beauty by not only giving tips on how to find the right foundation for black skin, and what eye shadows are in season, but by also hosting a Health table that featured diseases common to African American women and how to prevent them (i.e. diabetes, heart disease, and AIDS, our number one killer). There were also booths centered in black hair care, career development, and a glamour photo booth.

Some feel that there are very few events during homecoming that cater to young women with the exception of club events and parties where women get in and drink for free before a certain hour. “The Fashion Fair is something fun for the ladies; something that we can get involved in and to get us involved in homecoming”, said participant Lyndsey Jefferson, 19, and a sophomore at Morgan. The Fashion Fair Cosmetics tour stop at Morgan State University this year offered a refreshing alternative to the usual events for women during homecoming at most HBCU’s.

Evie smiles brightly from her autograph table in the middle of the ballroom as her song “Time to Leave” plays from the sound system. Evie, a native of Fort Washington, MD and a Howard University Theatre graduate has a pop, R&B, and hip hop fused sound. “It’s [visiting colleges] real important to me because I try to be a role model for young ladies; something they can look at that’s not, you know half dressed…That’s why I made sure I FINISHED college.”, Evie said about the importance of her stop with the Fashion Fair tour at Morgan.

The trained dancer, actress, and model’s debut album, The Evie Experience is slated for release later this year.#

Sources:

Evie Tobias- tbgenterprise@yahoo.com

Lyndsey Jefferson-

Leah Finklea-302.354.6328

newswriting interests for the year

2007-09-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

One of the topics of interest that i listed in my newswriting class on the first day of class was the lack of quality music programs in our public school systems. Whether it's because of lack of funding, lack of instructors (which i definitely don't believe to be the case), or a combination of both, omitting music programs from our schools is one of the most grave mistakes we can make in terms of our children and their education. Let's explore why.
Statistically, children who are fluent in music or even exposed to and conquer the most elementary of musical concepts do better in math and science. Musicians have higher SAT/ACT scores and have an easier time with reading comprehension activities because of the abstract concepts and thought process needed in music. Also, music takes intense dedication, discipline, and time management skills, all of which are extremely valuable and useful when applied to other facets of life. If you can't understand that, let me say it like this: musicians=better students academically. In most cases anyway.
From a personal perspective, i am a musician. And i know first hand what it is like to not have a music program at my school. When i was in seventh grade i went to a middle school in New Jersey. There was no art or music program (besides the fact that the academic curriculum was lacking and the school itself was literally falling apart). When i think back on that school i can't believe that i went there, that they got state money and actually considered themselves a school. I can't remember learning anything there in that seventh grade class that i hadn't learned in fifth grade in the Delaware public school system. It's amazing how and why some areas are considered a priority and receive the funding and care that they get and other areas might as well not even have schools. But i'm on a tangent now.
I can remember hating not having the outlet that music provided. I can remember hating not having the focus that music provided me; although, at that time i didn't know that music was such a heavy contributor to my ability to focus. My grades slipped. I got into trouble inside and outside of school and i was a shell of my former self socially. But as soon as i moved back to a school where the arts were considered important, i began to thrive all over again.

Sincerely, Bobbi D.

What part of the Game is this?!?!?!!

25-30 random things and Whatnot...

I thought it was over, but here you come BACKAGAIN...

I'm a biter...so sue me!!...Fuck am I gon' blog about??

Why I use the N-word...

Wiggers...are "niggas" now?

"What is it you think you see..."

I need lovin'. not any lovin', but good lovin'...

Really want my mind back...

Eh, close enough...

The Illustrious Morgan State University Choir...

i'm so in love with this song...

I will not blog about this nigga, I WILL NOT blog about this nigga, I WILL NOT BLOG ABOUT THIS NIGGA...

Time's a Wastin'...

The return of Bobby Shaw...

Chocolate Girl...

this post is NOT PC at all...here's some honesty for that ass...

Silent Tears

You know what's exhausting?

bitin' offa tuck (no homo)...

If I ever meet Ledisi...*SLAP!!* right across her damned face...

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang Nigga!!!!!

I'm over these way to serious emo bitches with wack poetry. Ugh, that shit's annoying. Ready to make some really good music too...restless as hell...

First Youtube Video!!!!

"I'll be your Groupie Baby..."

Aaaarrrrggggghhhhhh, Ye Skirvy Pirates!!!!!

I'm not dramatic, I just really honestly believe...

Great Weekend...

Ladies, don't let this happen to you!!

Jersey's New Icon...

And the clouds opened up, and God said, "Stop pressin' your hair dummy!!"

Playa please! Lyrically, cantchu see, BOBBY D. be flossin'...(lmao!!)

My second opinion editorial...

Absence makes the heart grow...awww, eff that shit!! This sux!!

I've Been MOLLIWOPPED!!!B

It's really cold in my room right now...

"It's bigger than religion..." Pt. II

"It's bigger than religion..."

Please excuse me, I'm menstruating...

Tellin' "The Business"...

So it seems that this just isn't gonna get any easier...

I really didn't wanna blog about this, but I set myself up so that I don't have anyone to talk to about this except my cpu...

Valentine's Day...with your Ex?? Hmmm...confused?? Lemme help you out a little...

Did it again...

My first opinion editorial...

My first trend piece...

Great day...

What the hell do i want??

What?? Hello!!! I am NOT my hair dammit!!

More to HBCU Homecomings than Football and Parties/ Introducing Evie

newswriting interests for the year

If I ever meet Ledisi...SLAP!! right across her damned face...